NextNC.com - October 2008

Sunday, October 12, 2008

FullMetal Alchemist

Written by FullMetal Alchemist

"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is Alchemy's first law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only truth."

21. Superman is Clown shoes Part 4

Monday, 23 October 2006

IN CONCLUSION:

You remember those two films by Quentin Tarantino? Kill Bill Vol 1 and 2?
David Carradine (as Bill) mentions Superman in comparison to Uma Thurman's character. He states not only that he likes comics and is fascinated by the lore, he mentions that Superman is his favorite.

Now, I like David Carradine, he's a helluva actor and if you don't know what "Kung Fu" the series is, you should be shot.

2 things to keep in mind:
1. He's playing a "Murdering bastard" who by nature or otherwise, feels that he is above everyone / everything
2. Because he feels that he's above everyone / everything, he proves my point even more!

He starts off saying that when superman wakes up, he's superman. Not Clark Kent. Talks about how the suit he wears and his glasses as Clark Kent are the disguise. The Flourescent blue, red, and gold underoos are HIS clothes; They're the stuff the Kents found him wrapped in.

Exactly what he says:
"Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent? He's weak, he's unsure of himself…he's a coward. Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race"

I don't know about you, but the first thing I think is "who the hell does he think he is?" Superman's statement to the world is "You're weak" Notice that this is in the same universe that "Batman, The Punisher, Lobo, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Etc." exist in. Not even mentioning the crossovers they've done with Marvel comics and Image comics. As if HE's the only answer to helping us "weak" humans out. To a point, that attitude just about craps on the Justice League which he's a member of.

Going back to Kill Bill; I'm not suggesting that this is the reason why the story played out and finished how it did, but kind of interresting how not long after "Bill" says his Superman bit, he winds up like this:

Mere moments away from having an exploded heart!

I was going to compare movies between Superman/Batman, but I think it's unnecessary and frankly, no contest. Batman wins, every time. Prove me wrong. I DARE YOU! Box-Office sales alone should be enough info for you. Not to mention that Superman 3 had Richard Pryor in a starring role. If that's not clown shoes, the badguy from Superman 4 "Nuclear Man" should be, but if that's not either, I guess I don't know what clown shoes is! (It's pronounced nucular ya idiot, the 'T' is silent - Peter Griffin)

Reasons why kids have inferiority complexes later in life.

Funny review about the toys that have come out for the new travesty they called a movie.
http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/superman-returns-toys/

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22. Superman is Clown shoes part 3

Wednesday, 11 October 2006

Further proof that if you adore Superman, you just haven't been paying attention. . .

Weaknesses:

Superman:

Getting beat up real, real, real, bad by doomsday, getting in close proximity with “Kryptonite.” He doesn’t have to touch it to feel the weakening effects. (radioactive remnants of his exploded home world) Oh, hey, also Kryptonite has no effect on humans. (or if you want to be a baby, in the later stories, Kryptonite did have some radiation poisoning effects on humans, big deal. so do microwave ovens)

Batman:

Severe Trauma (and that’s if you can catch him; Agility, remember?) and even then, There was a series called Batman vs. Predator, Predator beat the crap out of him and he still kept fighting. Eventually Predator took the dumb way out and detonated his nuke. Batman escapes and the other Predators give him one of their spears (naming him victor) I’ve never seen a Superman vs. Predator, THAT would be stupid. Human diseases (Cancer, AIDS, Mad Cow, etc.)

This may be the only place Superman has a bit of an edge because he’s alien. I say a bit, because I know a perfect way to put Superman away: a kryptonite coffin. Think about it:

1. create an entire coffin out of Kryptonite,

2. weaken the bastard, put him in it,

3. seal it, (and I mean, use Kryptonite rivets, and weld it all with liquefied Kryptonite)

4. bury it in the center of the moon,

5. never tell anyone it’s there.

6. flip off the full moon every chance you get. – that’s amore!

he may not die, but he’ll be too weak to escape. Every time I’ve seen a Kryptonite issue with Superman, either some regular human saves his butt, he crawls away from it, or other super heroes have to save him. With my plan, he can’t crawl away, and the only way someone could save his butt is if they know where he’s at. (oh, and I’d probably encase the coffin in 3ft. of lead or some other anti-psychic material so other super heroes couldn’t “Sense” him in the middle of the moon. ) every 1,000 years, you may have to reconstruct the coffin in case it starts de-radiating. Also Pluto would be another great place to bury him. It’s not even a planet anymore! (though harder to find to flip off)

Or as the following illustration suggests, get your hands on some Gold Kryptonite:

inadimate objects that will render Superman uselesss

Costumes:

Superman: Takes off his glasses and clothes to reveal his BRIGHT blue, red and gold underoos. How is it that the bright red doesn’t show through his WHITE shirts? He doesn’t change his voice, or hair. As Clark what happens if he takes off his glasses to wipe dust off the lenses?
Lois is talking right to him and suddenly he takes off his glasses; “Clark, where did you go? Helloooo Clark?” then he puts them back on; “oh there you are!” (Dumb bitch.) According to Superman lore, conveniently: Various methods for keeping his Superman's identity secret over the years include his using "super-hypnosis",(or bullshit) subliminally causing people to not make the connection, compressing his spine as Clark Kent to become shorter, and studying the Meisner acting technique to switch seamlessly between personas. (further bullshit) Modern comic book stories show that to everyone, Superman is the greatest hero in the world and a larger-than-life figure, and no one thinks to look for him living as a normal human. (Therefore, everyone is a dumbass.) Furthermore, since Superman goes into public unmasked, most people assume that he has no other identity, or they’re all retarded and have never thought to draw glasses on his picture “just in case”

Batman: has a full DARK Grey and blue suit complete with cape and cowl to hide his face. (which only adds to the mystique, the bad guys are wondering: is he horribly disfigured? Is he someone I killed in the past? He becomes almost ruthless in his cause and changes his voice to a darker more sinister sound. He doesn’t wear it under his clothes because he chooses the moments where he becomes Batman, he doesn’t let the situations dictate who he is. Because of his playboy millionaire persona as Bruce Wayne, no one assumes he cares to be anyone but Bruce Wayne.

Identity crisis: I hate the idea that Hollywood tried with Batman returns that he has a problem with duality, Only in the movies has he ever had this problem (and a brief stint where I’m convinced they let a bunch of 2 year old superman lovers write the comic for a year or 2). As you can see with Batman Begins, he even seems to reject being Bruce Wayne in favor of Batman, but in the end uses Bruce Wayne as a means to become more effective as Batman.

comments (1)

23. Superman is Clown shoes part 2

Tuesday, 03 October 2006

Welcome to the 2nd entry of compelling evidence proving that Superman is WEAK!

Personal life:

Superman has no personal life, he was born Kal-el, not Clark Kent. But for the sake of argument, we’ll say Clark Kent: Spends his time reporting for the Globe, (which BY THE WAY, anyone who works in the newspaper business will tell you is a 24/7 job, so how can he be doing this effectively between changing identities?) The only benefit he provides to Metropolis as Clark Kent is reporting.

Chasing after and pining for Lois Lane who doesn’t give a crap about him and barely notices he’s there.

As Superman Louis Lane is just about stalking him. Maybe all the single women of Metropolis though he has never said anything about a significant other as superman, as Clark Kent, nobody cares what he has to say about a significant other.

louis & superman, superman & lois, OH! clark & lois, lois & superman, *YAWN* lois & superman, OH! clark & lois

as Bruce Wayne: Millionaire and aire to Wayne Enterprises; Spends his time managing his company, developing new advances in the sciences both for his benefit as Batman and for the world. Organizes and attends charity functions. Uses thrill seeking as an excuse to keep his agility up and to learn new forms of crime fighting. Always seems to have a, or several dates (with women) in public and is considered Gotham’s premiere playboy.

As Batman, even with the fact that they are on opposite sides of the law, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Harley-Quinn, Talia Al Ghul (Ra's Al Ghul’s Daughter) all want him (and not just to kill him)

Batman & Catwoman, Rachel Daws & Bruce, Batman & Talia, Bruce & 2 foreign models, Bruce & Selina Kyle, Batman & Poison Ivy, Bruce & Vicki

Side kicks:

Superman:

Has no sidekicks, when he “died” a group of super-people tried to emulate him, but when he came back to life, he never accepted them in Metropolis. Now they’re fighting crime as themselves in their respective home-cities.

Super-woman (or Supergirl) but she only showed up in cross-overs or side stories.

Krypto the wonder dog: even worse clown-shoes than Superman (if that's possible)

Batman:

4 different Robin’s (one died, one became NightWing, 2 were/is head of the Teen Titans)

2 different Bat-Women

Though he was never vocal about it, Batman treats each one of his sidekicks as equals in the crusade against crime. (which is why he never tells the commissioner about his daughter, or why he doesn’t send Robin home)

Justice League argument:

Batman and Superman are members of The Justice League, (or Justice League America, or originally the Super Friends) Think about that for a second; A group of “SUPER” people.
Batman, a HUMAN, with NO super powers is a member of a League of SUPER heroes. Not only is he a member, he’s one of the ELEITE members. Not a throw-in like “the flash” or “Aquaman” When they decided to start the group, who were the two first characters they thought of? Superman and Batman.

Stay tuned for Part 3 (probably going to be a 4 parter, it's seriously a 4 page essay!)

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24. Superman is Clown shoes Part 1

Friday, 29 September 2006

Got your attention? good! This is going to be like one of those "Ford vs. Chevy" arguments except more intelligent and oh, by the way, Honda Ridgeline got Motor Trend Truck of the year this year. . .suck on that for a while you damn rednecks!

Ford and Chevy getting their shit ruined.

Superman has got to be the single dumbest character ever. His powers, identity, occupation and over-all personality are weak-sauce. “Prove it!” you say? Well, OK I will. I’m going to pit Superman against my personal all-time favorite: Batman. (I can’t believe Warner Bros. was seriously considering doing a Batman vs. Superman movie. DUMBEST IDEA EVER)

Let’s just look at the comics:

Puss.

The man.

I ask you: which one looks cooler? Which one would be the one to evoke more fear?

Powers:

Superman:

Flight, Super strength enhanced by Earth’s yellow sun, icy breath, Lazer or Heat eyes, fast (but that might go under flight)

Technically “Flight” shouldn’t be in there because as you may well remember, the original tag line was “able to leap tall buildings in a single bound” so he had the strength to jump real high. I’ll give you flight anyway. (Damn babies) Also Icy breath was a more modern ability since originally it was that his lungs were strong enough to blow real hard. . .WHAT! I’m not making this up! Superman blows! Real hard!

Seriously. this is the toy for "Super Breath" Superman. I say again: Puss.

Batman:

Without bat-gadgets: Agility, Stealth, Superior Detection skills, Superior hand-to-hand combat knowledge (various martial arts) superior knowledge spanning several studies of sciences including Psychology, Medicine, Geology, Avionics, Marine science, Archaeology, Mechanics, engineering, Chemistry, Electronics etc. (but all that might go under detection skills)

With bat-gadgets: Illusion, repelling/descending, targeting with projectiles, Various antidotes/anti-toxins

THE BATMOBILE/Various bat-vehicles

Stay tuned for Clown Shoes part 2 coming soon. More compelling evidence that Superman is Clown Shoes!

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25. Hey, Thanks you SLOB!

Wednesday, 27 September 2006

So I was out at my friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart last night buying some boots.

I only had one item so I decided to use the 'ol self-checkout kiosks. I was waiting patiently behind this older lady and her daughter. They were just finishing up when the lady reaches in her white trash jacket pocket and pulls out a clear plastic bag with sunflower seed shells in it. (to spare you details, let me just say that it was OBVIOUS even from 6 feet away, that they were USED sunflower seed shells)
I kid you not, the lady proceeds to take the bag and place it 'neatly' in the scanning area of the kiosk. Now, despite what you think I did next, I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she was re-shuffling items in her pockets so I PATIENTLY waited a few more seconds. As predicted, the jackass starts walking away!!
I gingerly placed my boots on the belt before the scanning area and in my nicest, clearest, and loudest Customer Service voice stated: "Thanks so much for your nasty used sunflower seeds you SLOB!" The lady turns around and gives me this retarded look like "why sir, whatever do you mean?" to which I responded by waving her away dismissively. Her daughter had freaked out when I started saying something and was already at the door waiting for her Slob-mother. (or sister depending on how back-woods, redneck they were) Rightly, the lady didn't bother saying anything but stormed off with this embarrased look on her face.
I brushed the disgusting left that she put on the scanning area the same way you'd brush a spider off your leg. Well. . .wait, I brushed it off the same way you'd use a baseball bat to "Brush off" a home intruder. I had planned on picking up and throwing away the thing when the Wal-Mart Kiosk police came by and picked it up for me. I told her "I was going to take care of that" to which she replied, "Well we want to keep this clean" I pointed in the direction of Slob and said "well, that's something some people don't understand"

What possible excuse could Slob give for that kind of behavior? There's a MINIMUM of 3 trash cans she could have used from that point;
1.The Wal-Mart Kiosk police "station" in the middle of the self checkout area
2.The Trash cans by the inside doors leading out of Wal-Mart
3.The Trash can JUST OUTSIDE the door.
If questioned at gunpoint, what could she say?
"I have a condition. . ."
"I forgot about it. . ."
Or perhaps the truth?: "I'm a skinny lazy slob" (as opposed to a fat lazy lard-slob)
You all know I have 0 patience and tolerance for idiots, I know it's not nice, but dammit. . .GROW SOME BRAINS! or at least FAKE IT so I can't tell! I see examples every day why some people don't deserve the gift of FREE WILL.

My girlfriend said: "What if you see her in heaven?"
well, if I made it to heaven, I'd walk (or float) right up to her and ask her; "Hey slob, now that we're in the hereafter, be honest, you mind telling me why you left your nastiness behind on that and/or every day? Did God ask you about that? 'cause if not, I am."
She could be wearing a nametag with her real name embossed on it and I'd still address her as "Slob."

If she answered honestly, I'd drop it and walk/float away. If she tried to fumble out an excuse, I'd probably call "bullshit!" and question the guy in charge and ask why she was there.

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