Thursday, March 11, 2010

3 Wise-asses

Written by 3wiseasses

We're not that bright, even though in our own little world, we're geniuses. We like 80s hair bands and one-hit wonders, but among us we have respectable tastes, too. Metallica, Iron Maiden, U2. Pursuit of all things trivial is a lifestyle, not just a game. We like some sports, love other sports, and can find something to say about anything. We watch TV and movies and we've read a book or two, even a few classics (Yes, Classic Comics count!) We call it insight, you call it what you will.

1. Worst Hair Metal Lyrics

Friday, 18 January 2008

Jared:
We were chatting about this at poker the other day… I think we need the worst hair metal lyrics of all time. (This will get us out of the serious discussion Dan started on censorship … err, I mean protecting our children from gross stuff!

Dan:
YES YES YES! Let’s do it now, actually, while I still have time, and Dono can post it in a couple of weeks, if he’s capable of advance planning like this. I just don’t want you guys to do it without me.

By the way, I disagree with these two:

6. Toto - "Africa"
"The wild dogs cry out in the night/As they grow restless longing for some solitary company/I know that I must do what's right/Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti"

10. Black Sabbath - "War Pigs"
"Generals gathered in their masses/Just like witches at black masses"

You could make a case for Toto but I like the Kilimanjaro reference and there’s nothing wrong with those lyrics.

Plus War Pigs? Bullshit! That’s awesome! I’m serious! Especially the way Ozzy sings it.

OK, on to the blog. Here goes....
“She’s my cherry pie. Cool Drink of Water Such a Sweet Surprise. Tastes so good make a grown man cry. Sweet Cherry Pie.” - Warrant, “Cherry Pie.”
2. “Everytime you lick my hand
my heart begins to kick
towards the fire we start to dance
burning with each kiss
Tears like a virgin,
the first time from your eyes
you turn out to be
all I desire
CHORUS:
when i want love, i call on you
when i want love, i run to you
you're something more than a sweet romance
I just get one taste of you
bang go the bells”
Babylon A.D.

3. Let's get naughty naughty
Down & dirty
Naughty naughty
Oh I like it that way

That dress you're wearing makes you look so cute - naughty naughty
But girl you'd look better in your birthday suit
Take my hand, feel my love
Tonight's the night wer're gonna shake it up, shake it up
Naughty Naughty by Danger Danger

4. A school bell rings off the day,
brings in a stray a few girls at play.
Cut school pink slips are fine
for a good time there's boys on their mind.

At the girlschool, cause my baby broke all the rules.
Britny Fox. “Girlschool”

5. I don't need to be the king of the world
As long as i'm the hero of this little girl

Chorus:
Heaven isn't too far away
Closer to it everyday
No matter what your friends might say
Heaven, Warrant.

Some of these are obvious. I love how Warrant gets two selections without me even realizing it until I was through. You should know, too, that I like both their songs, but the lyrics really are just awful. “Heaven” is so, so sappy (there’s a reason her “friends” are bashing him) and “Cherry Pie” is just stupid. Let’s compare our baby to a fruit pie.

Britny Fox, Danger Danger and Babylon A.D. Sucked anyway. You should also know I like “Bang Go the Bells” a lot. But again, horrible lyrics. Fox and Danger Danger were just worthless, period.

I”m sure there are many, many others. Let’s hear them!

Jared:
OK, first things first … I know it’s not hair metal, but the worst lyrics of ALL-TIME are from Midnight Oil’s “Beds are Burning.” You know the lyrics. I don’t want to repeat them for fear they get stuck in my head. I HATE THIS SONG.

Now, on to metal …

“Smooth Up In Ya” by Bullet Boys
I know you really want to move me
You know I like to see you try
I've said it before and I'll say it again
You're not not trapped if you don't let me in

"Pour some sugar on me" by Def Leppard
Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on
Livin' like a lover with a radar phone

"Cum on Feel The Noize" by Quiet Riot (I know it’s a cover, but I have no idea what this means)
So I'm a scruff bag well it's no disgrace, I ain't in no hurry
And I don't know why

"The Final Countdown" by Europe
We're heading for Venus and still we stand tall
Cause maybe they've seen us and welcome us all
With so many light years to go and things to be found
I'm sure that we'll all miss her so

Without You by Motley Crue (really this could be any hair ballad)
If I reached out and touched the rain
It just wouldn't feel the same

"Sister Christian" by Night Ranger (still don’t get this)
You're motoring
What's your price for flight,
And finding Mister Right?
You'll be all right tonight

Babe, you know you're growing up so fast
And momma's worrying that you won't last to say
Let's play

Sister Christian, there's so much in life
Don't you give it up before your time is due
It's true
It's true (Yeah)

"I want Action" by Poison
Now I'm not lookin' for a love that lasts
I need a shot and I need it fast
If I can't have her, I'll take her and make her

Give me all your lovin’ by ZZ Topp
You got to move it up and use it like a scrweball would.
You got to pack it up, work it like a new boy should.

And the greatest epitome of 80’s hair lyrics?
Lita Ford Kiss Me Deadly

"Kiss me deadly"

Went to a party last saturday night
didn't get laid i got in a fight uh-huh
it ain't no big thing
Late for my job and the traffic was bad
had to borrow 10 bucks from my old man uh-huh
it ain't no big thing

but I know what I like
I know I like dancing with you
and I know what you like
I know you like dancing with me oh yeah

CHORUS:
kiss me once
kiss me twice
come on pretty baby kiss me deadly

Had a few beers getting high
sitting watching the time go by uh_huh
it ain't no big thing
Nothing to eat and no t.v.
looking in the mirror don't get it for me uh-huh
it ain't no big thing

but I know what I like
I know I like dancing with you
and I know what you like
I know you like dancing with me oh yeah

CHORUS
CHORUS
you know i like dancing with you
dancing with you; come on
CHORUS
kiss me once kiss me twice
come on pretty baby kiss me
come on pretty baby kiss me
come on pretty baby kiss me deadly

Dan:
I agree with all of those except for Europe. Yes, the whole song’s a little stupid, but the lyrics fit within the context of the song, and it’s one of the catchiest hair metal songs of all time. It’s a great song.

But, yeah, Bullet Boys? I love it. Terrible!

And I think the Cum On thing might be a British thing. Scruff bag is probably a word they used over there. Didn’t Slade do that one? They also wrote “Run Runaway,” another song with strange lyrics. Very strange.

Jared:
Final Countdown is an OK song, scruff bag! Not great.
I realize it’s about some rocket thing or something but it’s just stupid (and not stupid in a good way like “TV Dinners” by ZZ)

And if the rule is that it fits with the rest of the lyrics then Girlschool should be fine. The whole thing is just about chicks at a girl school and how hot they are (pretty deep thoughts compared to a lot of hair lyrics)

And I know there are a lot of bad AC/DC lyrics out there, but I will excuse all of them because they freakin’ rock.

BTW, No. 2 worst all-time 80s song is Wang Chung Tonight (only saved from No. 1 because of Midnight Oil and a fantastic Cheers episode!)

Dan:
Nah, Wang Chung is fine. It’s a goofy 80s song and the band knows it. The funny thing happens is when bands are trying to be sincere, like Warrant’s “Heaven,” and it comes across just awful. Wang Chung knew they were goofy lyrics and went with it. I applaud them for that.
That’s why “Girlschool” is so terrible and in no way should be compared to “The Final Countdown.” I’m saying if you don’t like the lyrics to the Final Countdown than you don’t like the song, period. It’s a space fantasy. Britny Fox wrote a song about stupid hot private school girls, and I really think the band was serious, which makes it even worse.
God it’s a terrible song.

And Jared also brings up an interesting point. Some bands have bad lyrics but they rock! AC/DC is a great example. Kiss is another. “Beth” is crazy stupid, yet it rocks! Same with “I was made for lovin’ you.” Even “Rock and Roll All Night” really is pretty bad, but it’s such a great song.

Dono:
I’m curious. What lyrical crimes have AC/DC committed? I need examples. Big Balls? Great stuff.

Jared:
I agree Kiss had some bad lyrics. Even Metallica has some stinkos.
However, Rock and Roll All Night only has about 12 words in the whole song and if rocking all night and partying all day is a crime, I wish I was guilty!

Dan:
Hmm...I’m not sure. Probably because in our minds AC/DC really hasn’t written any bad songs even when the lyrics are stupid. So it will be hard to come up with some...

Umm....

Let’s see....

Ok I’m going to cheat... hold on...

“Sink the Pink” is pretty bad.
“Heatseeker” - I don’t need no life preserver....”

All the hell with it. I don’t know.

Dono:
Yup, I’d agree “Heatseeker” would qualify. But I like “Sink the Pink” and I would argue it’s clever rather than stupid. Then again, all the eye of the beholder.

Dan:
I think that was our point, that we consider AC/DC and Kiss clever even if you could call some of those lyrics stupid.

There’s no defending Britny Fox though.

Or “Heaven.”

“I don’t need to be the king of the world. As long as I’m the hero of this little girl.”

Dono:
Then again, that was my point: There’s a fine line between clever and stupid, and if it’s clever, it’s not stupid. A word of note, I haven’t thought that assertion all the way through, so I’ll concede right now there’s probably lots of exceptions.
comments (2)

2. Best Bands of All Time

Friday, 18 January 2008

Dan:
• Metallica
• Steely Dan/Donald Fagen
• Stevie Wonder
• Iron Maiden
• Earth, Wind and Fire
• Dream Theater
• Jamiroquai - My favorite guilty pleasure. I really love this guy even
though he gets raked over the coals all the time by critics (probably
deservedly).
• Tchaikovsky
• Motley Crue
• Miles Davis

Just missed the cut:
Beethoven
Maynard Ferguson
John Coltrane
Chicago (the early years)
Pearl Jam
Megadeth
Brand New Heavies
AC/DC
Helloween
Def Leppard
Sarah McLachlan
Kiss

Just missed the just missed the cut:
Too many to mention here.

Jared:
Without much thought ... despite a ton of other things I should be doing ...

Top 10
* Metallica
* Triumph
* AC/DC
* Jimmy Buffet
* Van Halen
* The Eagles/Joe Walsh solo stuff
* Sting/The Police
* Frank Sinatra
* Bob Marley & Peter Tosh (I know I'm cheating but I don't care ... and Tosh was an original Wailer so it counts)
* Billy Joel

Others
* Motley Crue
* Garth Brooks
* Kiss
* INXS (this is not just to piss Dan off)
* Iron Maiden
* Hank Williams Jr.
* Def Leppard
* Judas Priest
* The Beach Boys
* Guns N Roses
* Lyn Skyn
* Queensryche

Dan:
See this is fun. I would not, in a million years, have guessed Bob Marley
from you. Not in a trillion years. Really? Sinatra is a surprise to me too
although he does indeed rock. And seeing Garth and Hank Williams surprises
me too even if it isn't top 10. And I thought for sure Kiss would be in your
top 10. Billy Joel is one of those artists that you truly don't appreciate
until you hear his killer earlier stuff, kind of like Stevie Wonder. I've
come to appreciate the police and Sting later in my years, much like U2.

And you list a few bands that didn't make the list just because they really
only released one killer album, i.e. Guns and Roses. Appetite would probably
make my top 25 list of albums of all time and definitely top 5 debuts, maybe
even number 1. But the rest of the band's work doesn't match up. I forgot
about Priest, great choice. Queensryche was close but only released two
great albums, even though other songs were great from the other albums.

Jared:
I had a hard time with Marley/Tosh. I actually like Tosh's stuff more, but
Marley was so ground-breaking that I couldn't ignore him. I'm a big reggae
freak. Started in high school. I still remember the day Tosh died. I was in
college.

Sinatra is a recent thing for me. Got hooked a few years ago and I love
listening to his stuff on my morning walks.

Garth was in my top 10 until I thought of Sting/Police. Garth is an
incredible musician and performer. He has more variety than most mainstream
acts. He gets trumped in the country stuff but he's WAY more than that. I've
been a huge Hank fan since high school. A friend of mine was into him. I
agreed to see a Hank show if he would go to Van Halen. He became a huge VH
fan and I was hooked on Hank. He's just awesome.

Kiss was hard not to have in the top 10. I love 'em. But compared to the
others on the list, I had to boot 'em.

Billy Joel is much like Garth to me. He transcends the medium with his
variety and depth. His early stuff is amazing and even later stuff like
River of Dreams is damn near perfection. It's a shame the dude has basically
hung it up.

U2 was hard not to have on my list. Figured they'd be No. 1 on Dono's. Most
of their stuff is awesome and Joshua Tree is a great album. I never liked
the techno stuff (except Vertigo and some others off the last album).

GNR made my list because even their worst stuff is better than most bands.
Their greatest hits album is spectacular. Even the spaghetti songs on it are
great.

Priest was hard to leave off the main list. Except for Turbo, I loved every
album they did.

Queensryche has many great albums: the EP, mindcrime, Empire and Promised
Land. They really haven't done anything I didn't think was brilliant.

I also would probably add Squeeze to the "other" list because I listen to
them all the time.

As for your list...
I was surprised Steely Dan was on there. And Tchaikovsky is actually my
favorite classical composer, but -- being honest with myself -- I couldn't
put him over AC/DC.

And I have no idea who Brand New Heavies are.

Dan:
Steely is easily one of the greatest rock bands of all time. Perhaps the
most accomplished in terms of music theory. Jazz musicians play their songs
because the changes tend to be more complex than even many jazz combo songs.
And yet many are catchy. I still don't know how they do it. Just amazing.
Fagen's recent solo album was great as well. And on top of all that, the
band has it's own unique sound, and that's truly saying something.
But then again, this group is right up my alley. I can see why others might
not like them.

I do enjoy some classical music, and that's why I included Tchaikovsky.
Ironically, AC/DC mentions him in "Let There Be Rock." I'm pretty sure many
metal bands were influenced by him, and for one person to write three of
the most amazing, powerful and "catchy" classical pieces of all time - 1812
overture, Swan Lake and Nutcracker - is simply amazing. He wasn't as
prolific as Mozart or as accomplished as Beethoven (the 9th is the best
piece of music ever) but he's more fun to listen to than both.

Brand New Heavies is a killer funk and horn band with a great female lead
singer. Therefore I am sold. Only two great albums, though, and their recent
reunion with said singer was a slight disappointment.
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3. Thou shall drive like us

Wednesday, 20 June 2007

So, the Vatican this week released the “10 Commandments for Drivers.” We thought it our obligation to post our own "Commandments for Drivers."

Here's the list:
1. You shall not kill.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
10. Feel responsible toward others.

http://www.comcast.net/news/international/europe/index.jsp?cat=EUROPE&fn=/2007/06/19/693367.html&cvqh=itn_commandments

JARED:

These are all well and good (although No. 5 I have some issues with), but I think we need some others.

A couple of mine …

• Thou shalt not go the speed limit (or slower) in the fast lane.

• Thou shalt turn off your damn blinker after a turn.

• Thou shalt turn your stereo down enough so the rest of us don’t have to listen to your crappy music at stop lights.

• Thou shalt not be an a-hole.

The last one was for Dono.

Please add your own.

DAN:

• Thou shall not turn up your bass so loud that it splits the pavement and shatters the windows in my car as you drive by.

• Thou shall not pay more attention to your cell phone than me driving next to you.

• Thou shall sleep if you are 2 and under during long road trips (the last was for me)

JARED:

• Thou shall NOT honk at golfers who are putting as you are driving.

• When leaving a crowded event (concert, ball game, massive orgy, etc.) and two lanes of traffic are converging, one car goes from one line followed by one from the other. Don’t be a jerk about it and we can all get home to watch Cinemax.

• Thou better never rubber-neck!

DONO:

And still others:

• Thou shall not continue to inch forward at a red light once your car is three-quarters into the intersection (if the light was going to change because of you, dillhole, it would have already.)

• Thou shall not read a book while driving on Interstate 25.

• Thou shall not turn your blinker on halfway through the turn — by then, it’s too late. Just fuggetaboutit.

• Thou shall not tailgate in the righthand lane. Not that tailgating is good, but I can understand it sometimes in the fast lane. But in the righthand lane, the slow lane, get off my ass.

• Thou shall not honk your horn once a light has turned green until at least 3.743 seconds has expired. Hey, some of us react slower than others. Chill, and we’ll all be fine.

• Thou shall not be one of those schmucks who slows down traffic just because there is a car in the ditch — a car that has been there for at least 24 hours and has already been red-tagged by the state patrol.

• And thou SHALL honk at a golfer getting ready to putt. That cracks me up.

JARED:

Dono wrote:
• And thou SHALL honk at a golfer getting ready to putt. That cracks me up.
Then, thou is an a-hole …

How about these …

• If someone is trying to get into a crowded lane for some reason and you let them in ahead of you, they had just best acknowledge your generosity with a wave in the rearview mirror.

• Driving and texting don’t mix.

• “Shotgun” only counts within sight of the vehicle.

• Shotgun controls the radio but can be over-ruled by the driver.

DAN:

Thou may be an a-hole, but thou would also be pretty funny.

• Thou shall not take seven years to pull out of a space when I’m waiting for it. Yes, it’s your space. Now it’s mine. Get out.

DONO:

• Thou shall use THOU while speaking more often. It makes me feel so spiritual and proper.

• Thou shall not pass in the left lane and then immediately change into the right lane six feet in front of the car you just passed, causing said car to instantly tailgate.

• Thou shall not pass, change into the right lane, and then slow down to 5 miles an hour below the speed limit.

• If traffic is congested in all lanes, thou shall pull thy head out of thy bum and realize that constantly switching lanes, passing on the right, and tailgating will not result in you getting there any faster.

JARED:

Amen Brother!

DONO:

• And one last one, one that may be my biggest pet peeve of all:
Thou shall use the damn merge lane. Don't just sit there at the turn, with a quarter-mile of clear asphalt in front you, and back up traffic while you wait to get into the righthand lane. What the hell do you think the merge lane is there for? And why do you think they call it the MERGE lane! It's there so you can get up to speed and MERGE, not back up traffic for two blocks because you're too much of a putz to use the MERGE lane.
Whooh. I feel better.
comments (1)

4. Oh, the horror!

Thursday, 17 May 2007

Nope, we're not talking "Apocalypse Now!" We're talking about straight-up horror movies. And we even work in a discussion about censorship.

Dan:
There's only an occasional time when I feel old, and usually it's when I hear songs on the classic rock station that were hits when I was going to high school.

But I felt a little old while watching "Saw 3," and it's probably because I was mumbling "Back in my Day."

Back in my day, horror movies did not show women's ribs getting torn out of her sides. They did not show a man getting each limb twisted off one at a time. They did not show brain surgery in all it's full glory. They did not show a man's limbs and guts blown all over a room. They did not show a man squishing and breaking his foot over and over with a toilet lid under he slipped it through a chain link.

Sure, horror movies were gory. I mean, duh. That's part of the scare and, dare I say it, part of the fun.

But back in my day, they weren't nearly as graphic as they are now. After watching "Hostel" and now "Saw 3" I wondered at times if snuff films wouldn't be any worse. That's what I felt when I was watching these movies, with graphic, bloody scene after graphic, bloody scene of torture, that they were just glossy snuff films.

There are many disturbing parts about this. One is I'm a horror veteran, reading all of Stephen King's books, many of Dean Koontz's and watching hundreds of good horror flicks. And yet this blood is getting to me. What are we desensitizing our kids to now? And I'm a parent and will soon be a parent of twins. What will films be like in 15 years when they're going to movies with their friends? Faces of Death part 25? I mean all that has to have some effect on them, right? At least a little?

Two is I realize I was watching the unrated versions, but that's even more disturbing because if my kid can't get into an R-rated movie, he could still rent the DVD with his friends and watch it without me knowing about it. And that version will be WORSE than the one in the theater! And I also doubt that the unrated version was that much different than the R version anyway.

But what bothers me the most is it seems now that horror movies aren't that creative anymore. They haven't been for years, let's be honest. I rarely go to them just because so many of them suck, "The Descent" excepted (a great movie). And it seems now that instead of trying to be creative and actually encourage great acting and writing (something those movies desperately need), they're just pushing the envelope with the gore and the blood to stand apart from the others. Hostel: Let's show a woman getting her face blowtorched and her eye hanging out! Saw 3: Let's show a woman getting her ribcage blown out after she puts her hand in acid! Even the Descent, again a great movie, played this game: Let's show a woman getting eaten alive!

The gore isn't making these movies better. It's making them worse. Hostel was actually interesting halfway through and could have been so much better
had the director concentrated on the idea of people getting tortured for money rather than just showing the torture over and over. Saw 3 continued in the Saw tradition of having interesting twists and turns that I didn't see coming, but the ending made no sense, and I think one reason why the ending went that way was so the director could pile on yet more gore.

It's time to clean up these horror movies a bit and set some standards regarding how much violence we can see. And if that makes me old for saying that, then so be it.

Dono:
Setting aside my own rant on horror flicks for now, I am more curious about your conclusion. You say, "It's time to clean up these horror movies a bit and set some standards regarding how much violence we can see." What do you mean by that? Who, exactly, is going to set those standards? It seems you are proposing something other than the MPAA ratings that already exist.

The only person who should determine how much violence I should see ‹ beyond the standards that already exist ‹ is me, not some Joe Schmoe in New York or California or Peoria.

Dan:
Funny you should ask.

I just watched "This Film is Not Yet Rated," a movie that exposes the MPAA ratings industry. It's a great movie, and one of the many great points the movie makes is violence tends to just skate by while any sex at all gets
slapped with an R or an NC-17.

The director of "American Psycho" said that when she heard her movie initially got an NC-17 (a death blow to any movie), she figured it was because of some ultra-violent scenes she had it, like a chainsaw falling from the stairs and landing on a guy's face.

Nope.

It was because there was a threesome that was pretty mild (it didn't show much).
The point of the movie was that extreme hardcore violence doesn't seem to bother the ratings system nearly as much as any sex at all.

Now I agree with you that we should determine what movies we can see and what we can't. I am totally against censorship.

But here's what I'd like to see. I would like to see the same standards applied to violence that already apply to sex. I would like the MPAA to maybe force horror filmmakers to make a choice about just how much gore they put in and what they choose to show. I'm not saying get rid of all of it or even most of it, but perhaps they might have to cut or at least reduce the scene of the woman screaming while the guy cuts the burned eyeball off her face for five minutes, as it happened in "Hostel."

I honestly believe it would make the movies better. You can still allude to the fact that the woman got blowtorched on her face. Even show a bit of it.
Isn't that in fact scarier because it leaves the rest to our imagination?

Dono:
I think we agree and disagree. The double standard we place on sex vs. violence is beyond laughable. We are major hypocrites when it comes to that.

The Europeans think we're prudes when it comes to sex, and on this matter, I would agree with our cousins across the pond. You can see violence, some it graphic, on prime times network TV, and no one blinks an eye, but Janet Jackson's nipple — a nipple for chrissakes! — shows up during the Super Bowl and we have a collective cow. That, I thought, was ridiculous.

You say you don't want censorship, which I don't believe you do in principle, but a few graphs later you suggest forcing filmmakers to cut parts out of their work — which is a form of censorship.

My solution to our society's hypocrisy, if it is a solution, is the opposite. Rather than tighten restrictions on violence, I would loosen them on sex to make the balance more equitable.

I understand your point about the potential negative of effects of violence impressionable minds. But short of encouraging better parenting (and we know how effective that is, or isn't), I don't know that there's an acceptable
remedy in a free society. I'm more fearful of the downsides of censorship and restrictions on free speech than I am of the effects of such speech — even if it's abhorrent — on the minds and attitudes of our citizens.

I think I'm getting vertigo from being so high up on my soapbox, so I'm going to step down now.

Dan:
This is a tough one for me.

I totally agree with you on free speech and censorship. In my mind I was not advocating censorship because those standards are already there in some ways. The MPAA makes choices for us all the time about what we should and shouldn't see. Filmmakers are being told what to cut and what not to cut in order to market their films. It just seems to me that maybe those standards for violence by the MPAA should be tightened a bit. I don't know if loosening the sex is the answer, although I"m all for it.

I still honestly think that forcing the filmmakers to cut back on the gore would make them better, but then again it does seem like I'm advocating censorship and that does make me uncomfortable.

Finally, though, filmmakers are given the choice, too, to release DVDs as unrated pics, so we're not really censoring their films, just what's released in theaters. And again I am watching the unrated productions (ironically because I don't like pictures to be censored). Maybe I should just stop doing that and renting the R version.
Maybe this, then, is a call to filmmakers to force themselves to cut back.
Challenge themselves, then, to cut back a bit and make their movies terrifying without showing hours and hours of graphic torture.

The problem is the marketplace is not only supporting these kinds of movies but encouraging them. Horror movies are insanely profitable. I'm willing to bet the Saw movies were more profitable than Spiderman 3 because Spider-man 3 cost so much to make. Horror movies are cheap and yet they consistently make mucho bucks. So my call will fall, as they say, on deaf ears.

Proof? Hostel 2's movie poster just features piles and piles of gristle flesh.
See? This is even tougher than I originally thought. I was sort of venting a bit about a slice (sorry for the pun) of pop culture (that's what this blog is for) and it turns out I don't have a clear solution.

Jared:
I gotta say that I agree with Dono (that never happens!). The sex vs. violence thing is stupid. But violence is also relatively harder to rate. I mean a boob is a boob (I believe Abe Lincoln said that). But when is violence excessive. I mean Saving Private Ryan was brutal and gory, but I would be hard-pressed to say it was too much for an R rating. So, they can easily say an R rating can only have x-number of boob shots and x-number of the F-bomb, but it’s impossible to say you can’t have dismemberment or blood or whatever because it is based on the context.

Now, Dan is correct that horror movies are becoming gorier. But in my opinion the marketplace should dictate this. In our day we had movies like Motel Hell and Day of the Dead with a lot of gore in them. I would hate it if these movies couldn’t have been made the same way because someone felt they deserved an NC-17 or X (remember those?) rating.

I guess I’d say it’s more like what Frank Zappa said during the PMRC hearings back in the 80s. He pointed to a WASP album and he said (roughly), “If you see an album cover with a saw blade in someone’s crotch and it’s titled F-*** Like a Beast, it’s a good guess that this isn’t for Little Johnny.” I think the same is true for the Saw movies and Hostel and many of the others. The people who want to see those movies, want gore. They aren’t looking for great story lines. Sometimes they happen (Saw 1, Motel Hell, The Descent, Halloween 1, Friday the 13th, etc.) but it’s almost not needed for that core audience.

And some movies are breaking out of that mold. 28 Days Later was a zombie movie that had some gore but actually told an amazing story. But it was not nearly as commercially successful as Hostel. Some people just want blood.

Now, comparing these to snuff films. I totally don’t agree. When I see a zombie’s head get chopped off, I can get freaked out and then I laugh because I know it’s not real. Same with the silliness in most gore movies. Like Dan, I also don’t enjoy the ultra gore anymore, but that’s my choice. Faces of Death and even surgical shows on TV make me sick. I can’t stand any sort of real gore.

Dan:
What’s interesting is the two movies I specifically talked about, Saw 3 and Hostel, were in fact designed to look like real torture. They were not zombie movies, which offers what I would call fun gore and not explicit scenes of torture. That’s why I called them snuff films.

You make some really good points, Jared, especially about the marketplace. I think you’re right: That’s what those people want. Does it at all bother you that it appears that that’s what a LOT of people want (given how successful they are and your point about 28 Days Later)? That’s kind of disturbing to me. That’s not what I want. I want gore and blood and even the scenes of torture, just not the extreme we’ve had lately. I want 28 Days Later, a brilliant, terrifying movie with a great storyline and great acting.

And yet I watch Saw 3. Hmmm. Maybe I’m part of the problem more than the solution.

Jared:
Just like the scenes in Motel Hell were supposed to look like people were really being “grown” for their meat. Fake gore and torture is not a snuff film … even if it’s trying to look like it.

And, yes, now that I have kids, of course it concerns me that there are people who want this kind of gore, but then I was absolutely no different when I was younger. Saw 3’s torture scenes were so gory they were just stupid. That offends my intelligence more than my morals. But in my younger days I was less concerned about the intelligence of a movie and preferred just to see some death and destruction.

That’s all it is. The people who are impacted by this stuff who cause violence like the VT thing don’t need movies to make them nuts.

Dan:
I”m not sure how long we want this to continue, but we could name our favorite horror movies here. Or is that another blog? If so save these for next time.

Some off the top of my head:

• Psycho – Still a masterpiece
• Halloween
• Nightmare on Elm Street part 3 – Believe it or not, I actually like this more than the original, but if we’re championing ideas, Freddy has to be one of the most creative villians ever to come out of the horror genre.
• 28 Days Later – I liked the alternate endings too.
• Blair Witch Project – I maintain that this was an original take on the horror genre and one of the scariest movies I’ve seen. Then again I’m a hiker and just the fact that they were lost for that long scared me as much as the spooky twigs.
• Friday the 13th – It’s actually not that great but the payoff/ending is nice.
• Poltergiest – By far the scariest PG movie ever made. I don’t think there’s even a close second.
• Shaun of the Dead – This is probably just a comedy but it’s one of the best ever made.
• Gremlins – Does this qualify? It’s great regardless.

Jared:
The Exorcist … not as creepy over time, but still good.
The Entity is still the scariest movie I’ve ever seen.
The original Dracula with Bela Legosi. The movie scared the piss out of me as a kid.
Wizard of Oz … I know it’s not a horror movie, but that damn witch and her freakin’ monkeys still give me nightmares.
Psycho … classic (and the novel for Psycho II is even better! Too bad they didn’t make that into a movie!)
Return of the Living Dead … (I’ll give this a slightly higher rating than Shaun for humor because it’s just awesome!)
Poltergeist … Those chairs give me the willies every time!
The Exorcist … not as creepy over time, but still good.
Halloween

Dono:
I’ll add my quick two cents. I agree with Dan that Freddy Kruger is one of more original ideas to come out of the horror genre. Is he real, or is he not? The first one is at the top of my list.
I’m prone to like the goofier ones, like “Shaun of the Dead” and “Tremors.” But if they qualify, and I think they do, Alien and Alien II were simply awesome “horror” movies. Suspense. Big bad-ass monster. Great action. Great lines. And a kick-ass female hero.

Dan:
Ooo, yeah, the two Alien pictures are great choices, Donovan. I don’t even think Aliens qualifies but who cares, it’s a great, scary flick.

Jared:
Tremors! I love that one. So, damn funny! How Kevin Bacon didn’t win an Oscar I’ll never know.
I think both Aliens qualify. And I agree with both.
add a comment

5. Radio overplay

Thursday, 12 April 2007

The greatnessof a song is not demonstrated by how much radio airplay it gets. We explain...

DAN:

OK, that's it.
I just heard Tom Sawyer, again, for the 3,507th time in the last year.
It is, in fact, the ONLY song I have heard from Rush on any radio station in the last three years.
Radio has turned our favorite acts into a series of one hit wonders. Lynyrd Skynyrd is now "Sweet Home Alabama," for instance. I personally hate that song because it was so overplayed. "Pour Some Sugar on Me" haunts Def Leppard. "You Got Another Thing Comin'" is a great song but it's not all that Judas Priest has done.
The problem is these artists have deep, wonderful catalogues of music that deserve to be played. "Sweet" is not Lynyrd's best song, and "Tom Sawyer" doesn't even crack my Rush Top 5. Def Leppard has some awesome songs, and "Pour Some" ain't one of them. I suppose Priest had a lot of songs that were too hard to be played on the radio, but what about "Breaking the Law?"
That's pretty damn catchy.

I know that many artists from my day really did have only one or two songs that are worthy to be played over and over. The Tubes really only had one great hit, "She's a Beauty," even if Jared convinced us (sorta) that they were NOT a one-hit wonder band. Madness had a few minor hits, but you'll only hear "Our House" in my iTunes collection. And there's even a few songs,like "Every Little Step," that were good songs by terrible artists such as Bobby Brown but aren't bad as songs by themselves.

But we shouldn't turn every rock act into a one-hit wonder. Let's play those deep cuts every once in a while. After all, there's nothing like discovering a second song from a band that you thought only had one decent song, such as Accept's "Balls to the Wall." I just heard "Fast as a Shark" the other night, and Jared's right. It's a great song. I downloaded it right away.

JARED:

I agree with 99% of what you're saying (that Tubes thing still bugs me!
... the "other" song is "Talk to Ya Later")... The one that bothers me the most is Y&T. Everybody knows "Summertime Girls."
It's not a bad song, but wouldn't be in my top 10 Y&T songs (Forever, Black Tiger, Open Fire, Mean Streak, Midnight in Tokyo, Barroom Boogie ... just to name a few).
I hear a lot of Lynyrd Skynrd on the radio, but "Sweet Home" is probably
the most played (I still turn it up when it tells me to ... it's a learned response). Rush is another major casualty to the one hit. My roommate in college was a huge Rush fan and that's what turned me on to them. Hearing the non-hits. (Still like Tom Sawyer, though).

Agree with Def Leppard. They should be forced to play every song off Pyromania before they can play "Sugar" again.

A couple other bands that suffer from this: Metallica (they did exist
before the Black album!), Ozzy (Crazy Train is fine, but there's better!), Kiss
(all you hear is Rock and Roll All Nite or maybe Detroit Rock City or maybe Beth if you're lucky ... how about Strutter, Shock Me, I Was Made For Loving You, or even God of Thunder???), Priest (How about "Green Manalishi"?), Queensryche (Silent Lucidity!?!? C'mon! Where's "The Lady Wore Black"?), Sammy Hagar (Can't Drive 55 was cool in the day, but he's done WAY better), Squeeze (Everybody plays "Tempted" but "Black Coffee in Bed" and "Pulling Mussels From A Shell" are great tunes!), and Ted Nugent (Cat Scratch doesn't even scratch how good he is!).
And, finally, did you REALLY bring Bobby Brown into this discussion?!?!? Iworry about you. I really do.

DAN:

It's a great song and that only proves my point, even if it IS Bobby Brown. I did call him terrible, remember. That's hardly a compliment.

You came up with a lot more artists that are now considered one hitters than
I did. I did think of Kiss but it seems to me that "Heavens On Fire" and other songs do get their fair share. You nailed Ozzy and Metallica and Hagar and Nugent.

No response on "Fast as a Shark?" I thought you'd flip over that!

JARED:

That is very cool. That is actually the song that got me into them WAY back
in the day. They are a hugely underappreciated band. Songs like "Balls" and
"Son of a Bitch" (which is also a good song) got them pegged as a group that
just wrote dirty lyrics, but they were awesome (and probably why those
aren't huge radio hits!). "Princess of the Dawn" is probably one of the
best. "Get Ready" and "Neon Nights" and "Metal Heart" and "Love Child" and
"Living for Tonight" and "Screaming for a Love Bite" are all awesome!

Just for fun, I went to see what lead singer Udo Dirkschneider is up to
(http://www.udo-online.de/) . Dude certainly doesn't look like a metal
singer. Looks like a retired butcher.

DAN:

Or a retired serial killer.

JARED:

Another band we forgot about: Iron Maiden. Run to the Hills is a great song, but they have SO many more.

So, if we were running the radio station, we'd pull the multi-million repeats of those hits and replace them with what?

Obviously some of the "other" songs from those same groups.

But what about some of the other bands in the 80s who don't get airplay ... like:

Black N Blue
The Law
Alcatrazz
The Eric Martin Band
HSAS
Loudness (!!!)
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