I can't spell the word rhythm. Never could. I have to look it up every time the need to write it arises. And, now, I apparently can't say the damn word, either.
If you check out this week's Xcast, a spoof of American Idol, you'll see at the end my unsuccessful attempts at saying rhythmmmm. Or rythmnnn.
I've stumbled across words before, sure. Stuttered and stammered, even. But on the second try I can usually get it. If a third try is required, then yes, I'll nail it.
Yeah, not this time.
The word took on a life of its own, and I just couldn't say it. I can now empathize with the actors you see on the blooper shows who just can't say a certain line of dialogue without screwing it up.

Think about it; it's not that easy. The 1980s is a decade famous for its decadence and its one-hit wonders and, I'll admit, its cheesy "metal" music. I, however, loved it.

But there are hairs to split when it comes to what constituents a Hair Band and what doesn't. A band that went with the 80s trend of big hair is not necessarily a Hair Band.

Aerosmith, for example, had poofy hair in the ’80s but they are by no means a Hair Band. The quintessential Hair Band, I think, is Poison. Doesn't get any more Hair than that.

During a recent poker night with the fellas, this conversation came up, went on and on, and eventually we got stuck on this vexing problem: Is Van Halen a Hair Band?

The answer, of course, is no. But we had one member of the crew who insisted, and still does, that Van Halen is a Hair Band because they had big hair (which they did.)

How does that make sense?

See if you follow: Bands like Aerosmith and Van Halen, who established themselves as credible rockers in the 1970s, are therefore excluded from the "negative" brush that comes with being called a Hair Band. (Understanding that many a child of the 80s like myself don't consider Hair Bands a bad thing.)

However, there is an exception to that exception. One of the all-time greats, KISS, not a Hair Band in the 70s, most certainly was in the ’80s once members lost the makeup.

Exclusions don't end there.

There are bands that started in the ’80s that, even though they had "hair," will never, ever be Hair Bands. Metallica leaps to mind. Other metal bands that aren't "Hair," would include, but not be limited to, Iron Maiden, AC/DC, Judas Priest, Queen, and so forth.

Here are a dozen Hair Bands, in no particular order, that you can hear on 94.3 Max-FM, one of my favorite radio stations.

1. Poison

2. Bon Jovi

3. RATT

4. Def Leppard

5. Guns 'n Roses

6. Cinderella

7. Whitesnake

8. White Lion

9. Nelson

10. Winger

11. Great White

12. Motley Crüe

Have any others? Don't agree with my "rules"? Let me hear what you think. I wrote this at 2 in the morning, so faulty logic or glaring exclusions can be blamed on that, and too much exposure to the fantastic tunes of the 80s.
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Other than one business that asked to have its NEXTnc rack removed because of the story, we haven't received a rash of calls. And that's just what I expected.

I suppose the story is titillating, but more than anything, it's out of the norm from what publications around here usually do. Exactly what we want. I think it's great asap, one of the wire services we subscribe to, did this story and that we had a venue to run it. Sex is a topic everyone cares about but few will talk about. Inappropriate for kids. Yeah. Controversial? Nah, I don't think so. If you don't like the story, call or e-mail and let us know why.

Unhip.

If it's true that if you say you're "hip," you're probably not, then doesn't that also hold true about any other assertion you make about yourself? I'm funny, I'm cool, I'm a great athlete, I'm informed? I think so.

With three editions now under our belt, it's no surprise we've taken some criticism, especially in the way we introduced ourselves to northern Colorado. Launching a new publication is no easy thing, and we've made a few mistakes along the way. I find value in many of the critiques tossed our way. How do you describe what you're about — being hip, edgy, put your own adjective here — without using those words and without sounding pretentious?

One way is to not do it at all. We opted to tell you a little about our intent, and we were knocked for using the word "hip," among other things. And that's OK.

Issue has also been taken by some with Rowdy, our sock puppet and defacto mascot. Rowdy's first manifestation was as a sperm in our initial Xcast about selling body parts for extra cash. Juvenile? Probably a little, but it was meant to be. But in 2006, Rowdy isn't vulgar and he certainly isn't shocking. He is something that we created on the fly, and it made us laugh. It probably made some of you laugh — others not.

Humor isn't a science. We'll miss sometimes, other times not. Our litmus test will be whether something makes us laugh. Vulgarity isn't a substitute for wit; neither, however, is self-importance a replacement for substance.

We won't take ourselves too seriously — enough journalists out there already do. And yet, we'll be able to discuss and write about issues that mean something to us, and do it with aplomb when necessary, and with sarcasm or silliness when called for as well. So, everyone out there, lighten up.

The delicious illogic of 24. If you're not a 24ophile, then I ask you, why not? Action. Explosions. Romance. Conflict out the yin-yang. International intrigue. Violence. Did I mention explosions? The show has everything, plus one of the most indestructible characters ever put on the small screen — Kiefer Sutherland's Jack Bauer. What's not to like?

But the greatest part about "24" has nothing to do with action or violence. It is this: Every week, the show's producers will offer up such ridiculous plot twists as to make you pull your hair out. Some shows have plot holes so big you could sneak the 101st Airborne Division through without getting noticed. And yet, despite such I-can't-friggin'-believe-they-used-that-plot-twist twists, the show keeps you coming back for more.

Just like this last episode: President Handbag (as so described on Dave Barry's 24 blog blogs.herald.com/dave_barrys_blog/24/index.html), is not such a putz after all, but the mastermind behind all the goings-on so far this season. That, alone, made up for, and explained, so many of the early season head-scratchers. I can't wait for next week.

Etiquette lost. Major League Baseball needs to take a cue from the National Hockey League. I know, it's strange that the dysfunctional hockey league should be in a place to give any other professional organization some advice, but it's true.

Fans should be prohibited from re-entering the seating area until there's a break in the action— either when an at-bat or the inning is over. I'm sick of sitting at Coors Field, like I did on Opening Day on Monday, and have no-clue baseball neophytes continually walk in front of me while the action is going on.

At hockey games, ushers stop you from re-entering the arena until a break. I've heard they've considered this at Coors Field — and maybe that just goes for the lower level — but it should be a stadium-wide policy. Because my sarcastic comments to the baseball novices in my way don't seem to be getting through.
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