I was kind of bored when he called, so when he asked me to come get him, (he has no car, see previous blog about Red Flags), I said why not? So, I drove to Denver to pick him up and brought him back to Greeley. We went to a bar for a while and drank a bit.

When Psycho gets drunk, he goes through a series of transformations. First, he gets funny and cute. Oh, wait, that’s only when I drink. His transformation goes from friendly bonding, to making no sense, to starting bar fights, to professing his undying love, to crying and eventually, to threats of suicide. I was encouraged that Psycho controlled his drinking this time and never made it to the crying stage.

The next morning I had to go to work, so Psycho said that he would stay at my house and watch movies and clean until I got home. At noon, I called to see if he was doing alright. He said he was fine, although he was still professing his love for me and if memory serves, he said something about being a warrior for Jesus. He said he would see me when I got home. However, when I got home, he was gone. He didn’t leave a note and wouldn’t answer his phone. Since he doesn’t have a car, I was worried that maybe he walked somewhere and froze to death, or was lying unconscious somewhere in my house. Psycho is the only guy I’ve known who can prompt me to check the garage for a hanging corpse. More than once.

The next morning, Psycho sent me this text: “im sorry i draged u down. i just cant be with anyone now i apolojize. Its not u it me.”

I had to laugh and it wasn’t just because of the spelling. Here I was concerned that I might be implicated in Psycho’s mysterious disappearance and he had the nerve to pull the “it’s not you it’s me” card. I was caught off guard, so my lame reply was “Isn’t that dick-speak for thanks for the sex?”

Anyway, I started thinking about different versions of the “it’s not you, it’s me” line. I thought of a few that would have been more fitting coming from Psycho.

1. I really like you, but the other people in my head don’t.

2. I liked you last night, but now that you have your clothes on, I’m all confused.

3. It’s not you, it’s them. (Looks to the sky.)

4. It's not you, it’s him. (Looks to his crotch.)

5. I need to be with a woman closer to my dress size.

6. It would never work. You’re human and I’m not.

7. I’m in a weird place right now, and it’s more fun than your place.

8. I’m afraid of getting too close to someone who might want me to pay rent.

9. i’m going away 4 ever. LOL.

10. So long, and thanks for the fish.

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