I had an alternative. However, my wife made it readily apparent that after giving birth to two kids, there was no way she was going under the knife. (Go ahead and define “readily apparent” any way you choose ... You’re probably close).

So, it was up to me to make an appointment for a vasectomy — even the word sent chills into parts of my body that don’t like to be chilly.

Calling proved difficult (especially since the V-word was a real struggle for me). “Um, uh, yeah, well ... I need to get a ... well, you know, clipped.”

Fortunately the receptionist had dealt with this before. She set a date for the “CONSULTATION” and a date for the “PROCEDURE.”

The first one didn’t sound so bad. She told me that at the “CONSULTATION” I would talk with the doctor and he would tell me everything I needed to know to prepare for the “PROCEDURE.”

The key word was “talk.” I could do talk. Talking didn’t involve anything in my lower area and certainly didn’t involve needles or cutting. So, I went to the “CONSULTATION” without too many worries.

The doc introduced himself and then started to describe the “PROCEDURE,” using words like “incision” and, well, I have to admit I didn’t really hear anything else after he said that.

Until he said, “OK, drop ’em.”

Huh? What the hell are you thinking? Drop ’em? This is the “CONSULTATION” remember? But I didn’t actually say that. I dropped ’em and he started feeling around like he was looking for the prize marble in the sack ... no drink, no dinner, just straight to the goods.

Feeling cheap and used, I pulled ’em up and went home to count the minutes until the “PROCEDURE.”

When I got into the office on “PROCEDURE” day, I was told to drop ’em again. This time the tone sounded much more like a death sentence. I was told to get on the table and put my feet in the stirrups. There I was with my boys hanging out, and my feet in the air and the Doctor had the nerve to say, “Are you comfortable?” Seeing as though he was about to take a sharp implement downstairs on me, I didn’t say any of the smart-ass things I wanted to.

He could tell I was pretty freaked out.

“Would you like me to turn on a movie for you to watch?”

That was the first time I noticed the TV sitting to the side of the table I was exposing myself on. Did he really think a movie, no matter how good, was going to distract me?

I couldn’t answer, so he turned it on. It was the middle part of “Grumpy Old Men” with Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon.

But I wasn’t watching. I was just staring at the ceiling, pretending that nothing was going on below. I could hear the movie. Matthau made some joke and the doc laughed! Are you kidding me? This ain’t funny!

Finally, as he continued to work, I couldn’t stand it. I thought the movie might take the edge off. I turned and watched for a couple seconds before I realized it wasn’t helping.

As I turned away from the screen, I glanced down and saw the doc peeking at the TV screen! He was watching the movie!?!? I wanted to tell him that if he needed to watch this before returning it to Blockbuster, I’d be happy to come back later.

I wanted to tell him that I realize he had probably done a couple thousand of these “PROCEDURES” and that he could probably do them blindfolded, but these are MY boys! But I didn’t.

I just stared at the ceiling.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, but was probably around 15 minutes, he said I was done.

That was it. I could rest easy (relatively speaking) knowing I wouldn’t be playing zone defense anytime soon ... and I’d never be able to laugh at a Walter Matthau movie again.

Jared Fiel is a freelance writer living in Greeley. He’s the author of “Fumbling Thru Fatherhood,” Visit www.fumblingfather.com for more foolishness.

Ways to avoid the knife

There are alternatives to going under the knife, such as:

You can plan on continuing to buy Huggies for your new little ones until you are buying Depends for yourself.

Move to Utah.

The Hope and Pray technique worked for our parents, right?

Become a lifetime Trojan customer.

Never have sex again.

Quick facts

Each year, between 500,000 and 600,000 men get vasectomies.

Vasectomy is considered nearly 100 percent effective, safe, and does not interfere with sexual pleasure.

No-scalpel vasectomy can be completed in about 15-20 minutes.

A vasectomy does not reduce a man’s sexual drive or his ability to have or enjoy sex. About 85 percent of health care insurance programs include coverage.

Sterilization for a man (vasectomy) is significantly less expensive than for a woman (tubal ligation).

Many vasectomy procedures are performed on Thursdays or Fridays to allow a few days – including a weekend – before returning to work the following week.

vasectomy.com

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