The most difficult part of the entire cancer experience was the diagnosis. While the cancer diagnosis and discovering my boyfriend’s infidelity resulted in a similar set of emotions, I found that I approached the cancer with less resistance, which meant I was able to move through the emotional process more successfully. I realized that the first step toward healing is having a definitive diagnosis. Denial is still a normal reaction to adversity, but having a definitive diagnosis makes moving from denial to acceptance much easier. It is difficult to argue with a doctor’s test results. Betrayal, on the other hand, is rarely as definitive. If it was, it wouldn’t be betrayal. Like most cheaters, my boyfriend denied any wrongdoing, which only served to feed my denial of the truth. Imagine a doctor saying, “I know the test results say you have cancer, but I would never do that to you, so believe me when I say the results are wrong.” I would still be sitting in the doctor’s office in a state of confusion. Whether you are facing cancer or a breakup, accepting the diagnosis is the crucial first step. It is the only way to move from shock and paralysis to action.

After acknowledging that my relationship was definitely over, I decided to define the steps to healing as I had with cancer. This is what I came up with:

1) MAKE A REALISTIC PROGNOSIS. Just as the doctors gave me a 70% survival rate for my cancer, I was able to assess my ability to survive a breakup at a realistic 100%. I needed to acknowledge that this wasn’t a death sentence for my love life.

2) MAKE A TREATMENT PLAN. Like I said before, the worst part of the cancer experience was the diagnosis, because I was facing the unknown. Once I had a treatment plan in place, I was able to prepare and take an active role. I couldn’t ignore my broken heart, just like I couldn’t ignore my tumor.

3) BUILD A SUPPORT SYSTEM. When the word got out that I had cancer, I was amazed at the amount of support I received and was equally amazed at the healing power of that support. Unfortunately, breakups don’t usually elicit the same level of sympathy. But, you can find the support you need through a couple of good friends, some good books or music. One book I read, suggested finding a breakup buddy, which is exactly what I did. I have one friend who understands my situation and offers support without judgment.

4) THINK POSITIVE. At first I hated this suggestion. On the day of my cancer diagnosis, several well-meaning friends suggested that I be positive. I knew they were right, but I wasn’t ready to be positive just yet. It’s okay to mourn and have a pity party for a day or two, but eventually, a positive attitude must kick in in order to survive. I’ve found that when I’m not feeling particularly positive, it helps to “fake it til you make it.”

5) CONSIDER THIS A WAKE-UP CALL TO CHANGE. Cancer is really your body attacking itself. I thought this was an important metaphor for my life. I was blessed with a body that has served me well for many years, but instead of treating it well, I abused it with fast food, alcohol, tanning, etc. I realized that cancer was telling me to give my body more love and attention , and my breakup was telling me to do the same for my psyche. My relationships were just another form of self-abuse.

6) SURRENDER THE OUTCOME TO A HIGHER POWER. Whether you are religious or not, there are things we can control and things we can’t. Knowing the difference can save you a lot of frustration. I spent a ridiculous amount of time and energy playing detective in my relationship. Ultimately, none of my effort resulted in my desired outcome. I wasn’t able to control my boyfriend’s actions, just like I wasn’t able to control the cancer cells growing in my body. I can follow my treatment plans, increase my knowledge and make better decisions, but beyond that, the outcome for both situations is out of my control. There is actually a lot of strength in surrender.

7) LIVE IN THE NOW. I can’t go back in time and undo the damage I did to my body, just as I can’t undo the damage caused by my bad relationship decisions. I can’t predict the future. I can fight cancer and then get hit by a bus. That’s the beauty of this life. Unless you’re thumped on the head with the reality of your own mortality, you don’t waste time worrying about it. But, then again, facing your mortality, might mean facing the time you waste.

Healing from cancer or a broken heart, is a perpetual journey, but it can bring some unexpected rewards. I have surprised myself with my resilience. I am surprised that my fears have been replaced by gratitude. I am surprised by my own capacity for hope. Relationships, like cancer, are chronic. The end of a relationship makes you feel weak and vulnerable and scared. You’re faced with an uncertain future as well as a reinterpretation of the past. These things change your view of the world. As painful as both situations are, the pain brings strength, the scars bring gratitude, and the uncertainty brings hope.

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