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Complaints about compliments |
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Written by Barbara Rose, MCT
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Tuesday, 13 March 2007 |
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Mark Twain once remarked he had received many compliments, "and they always embarrass me. I always feel that they have not said enough."
Everybody loves a good compliment, but some people seem to need more than their share. They're not hard to spot. They wade into conversations like anglers maneuvering for an "attaboy" or "attagirl."
They dangle little hooks baited with laments about how tough their jobs are or complaints about somebody else getting the recognition they deserved.
Take Paul Salasky's experience with a former colleague who started every conversation innocently enough.
"How's it going?" he recalls her asking. Before long she'd launch into a description of everything her employees were doing or run through a litany of project deadlines, ending with a sigh, "I'll never finish."
"I knew the game she was playing," says Salasky, now a staffing consultant at Advantage Human Resourcing in Chicago. "I'd say, 'But you've been here so long. You understand how the system works so much better than I do. You always find a way to get it done.'"
Was he sincere? Not really, he says. "We had to work together. There were times when I would need her help."
Stroking people who require praise is one of work's more annoying social requirements, says sociologist David Shulman, author of "From Hire to Liar: The Role of Deception in the Workplace."
"People are trapped into having to praise others," says Shulman, an associate professor at Pennsylvania's Lafayette College. "Part of what they learn is that praise is involuntary. There are a lot of situations that require praise.
"One of the biggest complaints I got from people who were just starting their jobs is, they'd run into somebody who wanted to be a know-it-all. One of the tactics people learned was to nod at the right places while the know-it-all gave a totally self-promoting version of how work is organized and their role in it.
"Just by nodding, it's a pat on the back."
Another common work requirement is praising one's boss, otherwise known as "upward influence management," or, more commonly, "sucking up."
"Many executives I work with expect it," says Robert Bies, professor of management at McDonough School of Business at Georgetown University. "People who work for them are smart enough to figure out what they want."
Praise is sweetest when it's not only unsolicited but unexpected. Sometimes it is a lifeline.
Attorney Laurel Bellows of Chicago's Bellows and Bellows PC recalls one of her first trials.
"It was the kind of personal injury case you would have your youngest associate cut their teeth on," she says.
She won, but her damage award totaled a paltry $1.
"I was devastated," Bellows recalls. "I was used to winning everything. The temptation is to go home and put your head in the sand."
Instead, she went in to face her boss.
"Good job," she recalls him saying. "You won. Now, what did you learn?"
His praise allowed her to save face. "The get-back-on-the-horse response to a young person could change their whole life," she says.
Early in her career, Trish Lambrecht worked for a boss who was never skimpy with praise. The more he complimented her, the less she thought of his judgment.
"My job was partly to be responsible for making sure we got paid," says the Wilmette, Ill.-based business process and project management consultant.
"If we were going over the books for the month, he'd say, 'Receivables are down.
You handled this really well. What did you do?'"
"I'd think, this is a dumb conversation. It wasn't like it was brain surgery. You call the people (and ask for payment). Part of the problem was, we had never called to collect the money."
Later, as a manager herself, she was quicker to find fault than to offer praise.
"I tended to look for stumbles in my staff because I worried I was being scrutinized and being judged badly if we made mistakes," she said.
"I was far more likely to see what was going wrong than what was going right. It was more a reflection on me than them."
The more comfortable she became in her role, the more likely she was to compliment her staff.
"I didn't want them to think I took them for granted," she says.
Now when she's consulting and notices someone whose manager is unaware of the job their employee is doing, Lambrecht drops the manager a note with specifics about the employee's contribution.
Occasionally, she remembers the boss whose praise she thought was excessive.
"In hindsight, I wonder if he was trying to do the very thing I've matured into, which is making sure somebody who works for you knows you appreciate the job they're doing." | Only registered users can write comments.
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