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BOOKS — Meet the smug single |
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Written by asap
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Tuesday, 20 March 2007 |
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“The New Single Woman.” “Better Single Than Sorry.” “Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After.”
Watch out “How to Get a Man in 10 Days.” The singles movement is coming to a bookstore near you.
These books are not about the rules, whether he’s into you, or love languages. The newest kind of “nonfiction chick-lit” — as we’re dubbing it — is a backlash against the idea that people who are married or in coupledom are happier, healthier, and more prosperous.
Their message comes across loud and clear: You don’t need a man.
But hold up. Don’t we know this?
After all, there are 90 million single people in the United States, according to census figures. The number of single women purchasing homes is higher than ever before, and more women are choosing to be single moms.
So why do we need the book “Even God is Single?”
Because pop culture and politics still insist that women marry, says Bella DePaulo, author of “Singled Out.”
“I still see matrimania,” she says. “You turn on the TV and shows like ’Friends,’ ’Sex and the City,’ all build up to a wedding episode. Three days ago, I saw an ad for motor oil that featured brides. Even Cathy in the cartoon ended up getting married. It’s out of control.”
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LIVING SINGLE
Sure, there are more singles than ever before. But there is also still pressure to find a mate.
Singles can commiserate. There are the questions: “Why aren’t you married, yet?” The accusations: “You’re too picky. You’re not open. You didn’t give (insert name) a chance.” And then the suggestions: “Have you tried match.com?”
The concept of someone being single and satisfied is foreign to a lot of people, who believe singledom is a flaw that needs to be corrected. Some hold tight to the idea that no one is meant to be alone, believing single people are unfulfilled and on a quest to find a partner.
The problem is that women buy into these ideas, these authors say, and do what singles dread most: they settle.
“We don’t need to hear how to meet a man,” says Jen Schefft, author of “Better Single Than Sorry.” Schefft got hate mail after she broke off one engagement and turned down two proposals on ABC’s “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.”
“I hope these books help women feel empowered and teach them that it’s fun to be single, that it’s OK.”
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DEFENSE MECHANISM?
The single-and-fabulous message is empowering, says dating coach Nancy Slotnick. But she’s not quite buying it. She thinks women say “I’m happy being single” as a defense mechanism.
“I think there’s more of a stigma to admitting, ’I’m sad and lonely without a man,”’ says Slotnick, author of “Turn Your Cablight On: Get Your Dream Man in 6 Months or Less.” “If you are admitting you want a man, that’s equivalent to being desperate in a lot of people’s minds.”
Slotnick doesn’t believe in “single and happy;” most men and women, she says, want to be in a relationship. She agrees that it’s better to be single than miserable, but says women should aspire for better, healthier partnerships. She says in a way, the “I’m happy being alone” mantra is dangerous.
“So many women come to me when they are in their late 30s and still want to get married and have kids and are sad because they believed they didn’t have to put a lot of effort into finding the right relationship,” she says.
Robin Gorman Newman, founder of lovecoach.com, says these books are probably comforting to singles who are dealing with the possibility of being alone for the rest of their lives. But she worries the people who purchase them are giving up on finding the love they really want.
“If you were really OK with being single, then you wouldn’t need to buy a book telling you, you are OK being single,” she says.
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THE IMPACT
Of course, none of these books are shooting to the top of best-seller lists. And there’s still no shortage of books on how to catch a man.
E. Kay Trimberger, author of “The New Single Woman,” says publishing houses turned her book down a couple of years ago, saying the market was for books teaching women how to find someone — not how to be happy without someone.
“I think books like mine are a little bleep compared to all those other self-help books,” she says. “But I think the culture is catching up with the reality that now women spend at least half their lives single.”
Still, books on how to meet someone will always outnumber the single and satisfied ones, says Thomas Coleman, executive director of Unmarried America, a nonprofit information service for unmarried adults.
“I think that people still are looking for partners,” he says. “I think that will always be with us. And people that are writing about how to find your dream man are always going to find an audience. The audience is always being replenished, as people marry, get divorced, widowed, break up.”
DePaulo acknowledges that. She is not anti-marriage or anti-couple.
Instead, she says her focus is on how singles are perceived — like when Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is forced to repeatedly defend her marital status.
“I want to talk about the fullness of single life,” she says. “I’m not denying that many single people want to be coupled, or denying that there are difficulties no matter what life path you pursue. I’m saying single people, especially single women, are really doing just fine and that message should be out there.”
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SINGLE AND LOVING IT: THE EXCERPTS
My life is filled with plenty of things that keep me happy and busy — without a man. I have a great apartment, a fun job that pays me enough so I can stock my closet with way too many pairs of jeans, wonderful friends, and family.
— Jen Schefft, author of “Better Single Than Sorry: A No-Regrets Guide to Loving Yourself and Never Settling.”
Living alone deserves our praise. It is an opportunity to take raw material of time and sculpt it like Play-Doh. We can bask in a pool of solitude or invite the world to join us. We can create, travel, learn and change directions as playfully as sea otters; we can discover who we are and freely strive toward whom we might become.
— Barbara Feldon, “Living Alone & Loving It: A Guide to Relishing the Solo Life.”
Accomplished singles show up at social events and find their achievements ignored but their dating life scrutinized.
— Bella DePaulo, “Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized and Ignored and Still Live Happily Ever After.”
A single life is full of hard soul-searching. It’s growth and movement. It’s an opportunity to know and appreciate all that is special about ourselves.
— Judy Ford, “Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independent”
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Megan Scott is an asap reporter. | Only registered users can write comments.
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