|
|
|
Written by Barry Koltnow, McClatchy-Tribune
|
|
Monday, 26 March 2007 |
|
|
|
|
What's so great about Simon Cowell?
Seriously, why have you people turned this "American Idol" judge into a pop culture icon? I thought you hated critics.
You certainly act as if you hate critics. In particular, you seem to go out of your way to hate movie critics. I get hate mail all the time, and I'm not even a critic.
You're always complaining that movie critics are out of touch with "real people." You claim that critics are intellectual snobs, whose elitist tastes can't be trusted.
And yet, you lovingly boo and idolize the shamelessly haughty Cowell, even though he routinely crushes the dreams and aspirations of struggling young people. Movie critics only crush the dreams and aspirations of attractive millionaires.
I've spent countless Tuesday nights trying to come up with an explanation for this phenomenon. I thought that if I could find an answer, then perhaps I could help movie critics be more lovable. Oh, they pretend that they don't mind being the object of so much scorn, but they want to be loved just like anybody else.
OK, so I've studied Cowell and I believe I've come up with a few ideas to explain his immense popularity.
First, it's the British accent. Americans love British accents. We have an inferiority complex when it comes to British accents. We assume that someone with a British accent is smart. Movie critics, on the other hand, don't have voices. They are mostly writers. The ones on TV are more like circus clowns than serious critics. They might as well wear floppy shoes and bow ties that spin.
Simon Cowell is rich, and movie critics are poor. We love rich people. We envy rich people. We want to identify with rich people. If you don't believe me, please explain Donald Trump.
The "American Idol" judge has an attractive girlfriend. Movie critics don't have girlfriends. Movie critics are afraid of girls. There are a few women who are movie critics, but most women are too smart to become movie critics.
Cowell rides everywhere in a limousine. Movie critics drive everywhere in old Toyotas. Americans adore celebrities in limos, and don't trust people with influence who shun wealth and power. Otherwise, Ralph Nader would be president.
The TV judge has a flat stomach, and he shows it off in tight T-shirts. Movie critics wear loose clothing to hide their gut. Americans mock overweight people.
Simon Cowell has a full head of hair. Movie critics have bad hair, or no hair at all. It's no secret that bald people are the most discriminated against segment of our society. And they are the most paranoid.
The "Idol" judge is an integral part of the most successful program on television. Most critics work on newspapers, a dying institution. Americans love winners. They gravitate toward winners like a moth to a windshield.
Simon has big teeth. Well, I don't really know if they're bigger than normal, but they're certainly brighter than normal. I believe they're painted white before each show. Movie critics are a bunch of grumps. They never smile. They don't even smile when they're watching comedies. They're so jaded that they don't actually laugh at something they think is funny. Instead, they watch a movie with no emotion whatsoever, and then turn to the grumpy critic sitting next to them and say: "That was the funniest movie of all time."
Cowell has Ryan Seacrest to ridicule. Everybody needs a foil, and Simon has Ryan. Their playful banter is fun to watch. It even makes both men appear humanlike, even though we know they're actually robots. Movie critics don't have anyone to joke with because movie critics don't have any friends. They're loners. They don't even like going out in sunlight.
Cowell has Paula Abdul, who may be more important in explaining the "Idol" judge's popularity than anything. Unlike Seacrest, who is simply Cowell's straight man, Abdul is the object of much wonderment. We wonder if she's as nice as she seems. We wonder if she's taken her medication that day. And we wonder what's really going on with her and Simon.
I think there is something romantic between those two, and I think that America senses it as well. The audience tunes in each week as if it's watching a daytime soap opera. They sense the sexual tension between the two judges, and they want to see how it will play out each week. Wouldn't it be a great if they announced their true feelings toward each other on the last show of the season?
Finally, I believe that Simon Cowell's popularity can be traced to the nagging feeling that he is usually right. He may be cruel. He may be brutal. But in our hearts, we know he's usually right. And movie critics are never right. | Only registered users can write comments.
Please login or register. |
|
|  | "Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is Alchemy's first law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only truth." | |
|  | We're not that bright, even though in our own little world, we're geniuses. We like 80s hair bands and one-hit wonders, but among us we have respectable tastes, too. Metallica, Iron Maiden, U2. Pursuit of all things trivial is a lifestyle, not just a game. We like some sports, love other sports, and can find something to say about anything. We watch TV and movies and we've read a book or two, even a few classics (Yes, Classic Comics count!)
We call it insight, you call it what you will. | |
|  | Felix Wong is an outdoor enthusiast living in Fort Collins. A mechanical engineer by day, he is especially passionate about bicycling, running, and backpacking. | |
|  | Hola Amigos! I'm Sandra. I like to believe that people are 70 percent good and 30 percent dumb. I'm stickin to that story. Reading this blog might make you want to be good, but probably just dumb. | |
|  | Donovan Henderson is editor of NEXTnc. | |
|  | Here at Nextnc we have some characters. Get a sneak peak behind the curtain and find out what amusing antics our staffers get themselves into on a weekly basis. | |
|  | What is up FoCo?
I am a recent college graduate of Minnesota State University Moorhead. After recieving my B.A. in English and Mass Communications this past August I moved down to Colorado.
I enjoy long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners, and heavy metal. My hobbies include reading and writing, music, movies, and getting drunk. Some of my favorite contemporary authors include Bret Easton Ellis, Chuck Palahniuk, and Kurt Vonnegut. My top movies are anything directed by Kubrick. I enjoy listening to anything that rocks.
Right now I am just trying to get to know Colorado and FoCo better. Mostly in order to find the best drink specials on each day that ends in Y. So if you know where I can get a cheap drunk on, let me know!
--Drew | |
|  | Life's little morsels of inspiration, observation and encouragement seen through the eyes of the Nextnc reporter.
| |
|  | Ms. Giles currently lives in Colorado where she stars in her own private reality show. She writes aphoristic accounts of her life, taken completely out of context, and embellished with characters and situations disguised to resemble something close to interesting. | |
|  | over and out | |
| | My name is Michelle Turley and I'm 28 years old. I live in Severance with my hubbie, Brandon. We have 2 dogs and a cat. We enjoy camping, four-wheeling, and just being in the mountains. I like to cook, clean (go figure), flea market, and play poker. I have so much to say about poker... | |
|
|
