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DATING — Urban cougar or urban myth? |
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Written by asap
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Saturday, 26 August 2006 |
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 NEW YORK — The phrase “it’s a jungle out there” has never felt more appropriate.
These days, the “Old Maid” has been supplanted by something far more vivacious, more confident, more sophisticated, and desirable -- the “Urban Cougar” who prefers younger men.
Web sites have sprung up tracking the habitats of the urban cougar and cataloguing their markings: to wit, push-up bras, expensive jewelry, red lipstick and designer handbags.
Maybe it started back with “The Graduate” and took a leap forward with Samantha on “Sex and the City.” Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are just the most famous May-December celebrity pairing.
Whatever its genesis, such romances are a “worldwide trend,” says Valerie Gibson, the self-proclaimed “Cougar Queen.” In her book, “Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men,” Gibson describes a cougar as “a new breed of the single, older woman.”
But is this exotic species fact or fiction? asap sent some feline bait out on the town to find out.
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HUNTER OR HUNTED?
Sipping glasses of 18-year-old Scotch, Stephen Shulstein and Lloyd Sommers scope out the scene at Stone Rose, New York Magazine’s choice for “Best Cougar Bar.” The two 27-year-olds are considered prime bait: both are well-dressed, sophisticated, Ivy League-educated and affluent.
 “There is something intriguing about cougars. They don’t play games, they know what they want and they go after it,” says Shulstein, who works in the equity research division of Lehman Brothers. “There are a lot of single women in New York City who chose not to have kids and raise a family. They chose a career or maybe they are divorced and looking for someone to have fun with.”
For Sommers, who also works in a private equity group, older women are appealing in part because of their independence.
“I think it’s sometimes considered a big win to snag an older woman, since the conventional thinking is that older women won’t go for younger guys,” he says.
“Cougars are more likely to have their own careers and therefore can afford things on their own and they tend to be more mature, the conversations are different and you can maybe learn a thing or two from them both mentally and physically.”
After a couple drinks at $22 a pop and no bites, the guys move on to cougar bar No. 2 — the Hudson Hotel. Hotel bars are prime terrain for cougar hunting, according to the Web sites gocougar.com and urbancougar.com.
Almost as soon as the guys walk through the door, they are approached by two older women in town for the weekend. They buy “Mary” and “Sue” — who would not disclose their ages — a round of cocktails.
“You’re about my nephew’s age, baby,” says Sue as she unbuttons the top button on Shulstein’s shirt. After a few drinks, the ladies retire to their room.
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RELATIONSHIP TOPSY TURVY
No May-December romance blossoms this night, but certainly it’s no secret that some couples are turning traditional gender roles on their heads. Eshkol Rafeli, assistant psychology professor at Barnard College, says the trend could be attributed to economic balance between the sexes.
“It used to be that men always preferred younger women and women always preferred men with more resources, but equality in power basically increases the choices women have,” Rafeli says.
For Gibson, it’s a sign that today’s women are looking great and feeling empowered.
“I date younger because, in fact, that’s how it works out. I am attracted to them and they are to me,” she says. “I think it’s a lot to do with attitude -- I have a much younger mind and attitude — I look younger, dress younger and feel younger than I am.”
And, she added, dating younger is nothing men haven’t been doing for years. Gibson believes “centuries of indoctrination” have kept women from trying relationships with younger men.
These days, some older men aren’t happy about the cougar trend.
“What has happened now is older men are finding out how older women have felt for centuries, with their disregard and being told they are too old for men,” she says. “Well, now we say it back to men.”
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asap contributor Tracee Herbaugh works on the AP’s international desk.
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