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Path to authentic self not an easy one to find |
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Written by Jane Glenn Haas, McClatchy-Tribune
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Tuesday, 27 March 2007 |
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Let's talk about freedom. Personal freedom. The liberation that comes from inside, from knowing you are in charge and in control of your life.
Carolyn, 67, says she gained freedom when she lost her parents. "Really," she says. "I listened to them when they raised me, then they told me what they thought I should do when I raised my own children, finally I took care of them, but they still tried to tell me what to do.
"Now, no one tells me what to do. I've always been responsible, but now I'm really free."
Carolyn has shed the "reactive" years.
Anita, 52, says her life changed when "I learned my opinions were worthwhile. I got rid of the idea I had no value." She separated from her husband, went back to school, got a degree and has launched a new career.
She has rid herself of destructive identity.
We celebrate becoming "ourself," but I wonder how many of us are willing to pay the price for total freedom asked by two scholar-mystics who challenge women to follow their pathway to authenticity.
One is Jimmy Laura Smull of Laguna Beach, Calif., who says she broke free after she moved from Texas to California.
In Texas, she says, "embedded" values controlled her life — from the church where her parents worshipped to their attitude about marriage and children.
She says she had to shed what she calls "childhood programming" to claim her authentic self.
Smull, a cultural anthropologist with a doctorate in the philosophy of human science, talked about her theories and her book, "The Silver Pearl: Our Generation's Journey to Wisdom," at a recent luncheon at Chapman University.
Written with Carol Orsborn, who specializes in helping companies build brand relationships with Boomer women, the book is a step-by-step guide to reinventing expectations about the future.
"Our parents did the best they could," Smull says, "But they left us with so many embedded beliefs which are difficult to discard."
Time is the greatest ally for this generation of women, she believes. The so-called bonus years — 30 years greater longevity than our parents — allow women to achieve their full potential, she says.
The point is simple: Attain your own dream for yourself. Stop living someone else's expectations for your life.
The attainment is complex. Doubts, anger, sadness overwhelm women as they struggle on the path toward authenticity and away from the imposed and reactive beliefs of others, Smull says.
How does this happen?
In their book, Smull and Orsborn say women usually experience a life-changing transition before moving from what they call Stage One to the authentic Stage Two.
Those transitions include moving to a new city, divorce, career or job change, death of a family member, even happy occasions such as the marriage of a child.
Old concepts pass away; new beliefs and new behaviors form.
Beyond Stage Two, there is the state of active rebellion, Smull says.
Rebellion takes real guts.
It requires rejecting "the limiting belief system in which you were raised," Smull says. Your church, perhaps your community, even your family. The goal is to pass through the chaos of transition, beyond victimization and rebellion to "reclaim authenticity" and live your own dream, she says.
Sound complex? Life transitions are rarely simple.
Smull and Orsborn offer guidelines on their Web site, www.thesilverpearl.com.
Is it my way? I'm still pondering. Is it yours? Think about it.
As they write, here is "The Most Compelling Question: When you have really been through it, pummeled and raked, punctured and broken, and yet, you show up, still game, ready to struggle for meaning, only then will you discover that the most compelling question is not 'How will one die?' but rather 'How will one live?'"
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Jane Glenn Haas writes for The Orange County (Calif.) Register. E-mail her at
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