A few months ago, I told a friend of mine that I thought a certain male friend of her’s was attractive. He’s a rare breed in that he’s good looking, over 35 with a stable career. She agreed that we had a lot in common. I had never spoken more than a few words to him, so all I had to go on was my attraction and her assessment. Soon after our conversation, my friend arranged a happy hour after work so I could get to know him in a group setting. He was very friendly and easy to talk to, so I felt like there might be some mutual interest.

After that, my other friends got involved and were kind of making a big deal out of it. I felt like we were in high school again and that the whole school was aware of my crush on the popular guy. I started avoiding eye contact whenever I saw him, which was almost every day. When we would run into each other at happy hours, after downing some liquid courage, I would attempt to talk to him, but it was always very brief. I had one friend in particular who monopolized his time and seemed to thwart my efforts.

I was frustrated because, I didn’t even get a chance to find out if I really liked him or not. One day, I told another friend, who had instigated a lot of this, that I was going to make my move. What I meant by that, was that I was just going to go up to him and start a conversation. I don’t know what she thought I meant, but she told me that he was pretty gun shy of women these days and that I should just give up. I felt like I was rejected even before I started anything. So, after that, I just continued to ignore him.

The last time we went out as a group, I was going to try again, but I drank too much wine and ended up making out with some younger guy in front of everyone. After that, my friends decided that this was a lost cause.

Today, I found out that he has been sleeping with one of my coworkers. Now, I feel like I had my chance and I blew it. Now that I have nothing to lose, I want to tell him that I’m interested. Should I?

Snoozed, Now Am I Lost?

Dear S.N.A.I.L.

Remember when you were in school and you would get in trouble or make a bad grade. The teachers would threaten you with your permanent record. (Real life example: “Young lady, you better stop doing back flips in class or I’ll send you to the principal’s office and it will be on your permanent record!”) Well, that kind of permanent record was an idle threat, but when we make mistakes in life, it ends up on a sort of cosmic permanent record, meaning, the deed was done, you can’t go back in time to do it over, so the only thing left is to learn from it.

If you tell him how you feel now, you will be interfering with his budding relationship. That will only make you look desperate and sleazy. But, if you review what you could have done differently in this situation, you will be prepared for the next round of potential fix-ups.

With every relationship comes the potential for rejection. You simply have to weigh the risk against the benefit. If someone is worth pursuing, they are worth risking rejection. Look back at your relationships. Did you wait for them to come to you? How many of them were psychos? Women, or men, for that matter, who take no responsibility for finding a mate, are quite often magnets for needy, crazy people. If you want to change that, you have to start working up the courage to pursue the men you really want. Isn’t it better to be rejected by someone you respect than by some loser who just showed up at your doorstep?

The other day, I was having lunch at a restaurant with a girlfriend. While we were discussing this very subject, a man in a wheelchair approached our table. He was skillfully flirtatious and by the time he left our table, he had my business card and a future lunch date. Despite his disability, he was confident enough to take the initiative with regard to meeting women. We can all learn from him. Relationship-wise, we are all disabled in one way or another. Whether we believe we are too fat or old or poor to find love, it ‘s merely our beliefs that are holding us back, not the reality of our flaws.

It’s arrogant for anyone to feel they are above rejection. Everyone hates it, not just you. The only way to conquer a fear is to live it. Start making the first move. After a few rejections and a few successes, you will be able to put it into perspective and ultimately conquer the fear. It’s about taking action. If you’re out of shape, you go to the gym. You don’t sit on the couch and cry about it. Stop dwelling on the past and start flexing your seduction muscles.

You need to face the fact that you blew your chances with this guy. But, just because that ship has sailed, doesn’t mean there won’t be more on the horizon. Open your eyes and take a chance next time. You never had anything to lose in the first place.

Robbie Lynn

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