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Written by Jeff Herring, McClatchy-Tribune
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Monday, 07 May 2007 |
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Relationships, and the joys and heartbreaks that come with them, have been sung and written about in every possible form. I've been thinking about his recently as my oldest son discovers girls and enters into the world of "romantic relationships."
We've talked about how cool this all is, and we've talked about (I talked, he listened, maybe) the hurt and heartbreak that can come with relationships as well. I know I can't prevent the hurts that will come, but at least I can try to prepare him.
The bottom line is that relationships and dating can lead to heartbreak, and we have all had our share of heartbreaks.
That's why I was intrigued by relationship coach Jess Kennedy Williams' notion about heartbreak-free dating.
Intrigued, but skeptical.
Recently on my Relationship Radio Show on AM 1620 Radio Sandy Springs in Atlanta, (www.RadioSandySprings.com) I interviewed relationship coach Jess Kennedy Williams, author of the No. 1 dating book on BarnesandNoble.com, "Heartbreak-Free Dating."
The basis of her approach can be found in this quote from her book:
"When it comes to dating, listen to your gut instinct, not your heart. Your gut tries to protect you from getting hurt, your heart has no clue what it is doing."
The secret, according to Jess Kennedy Williams, is to focus on what you want. You do this by knowing your requirements, needs and wants.
Requirements — These are the things you must have in a relationship — these are the deal-breakers. If these requirements are not met, the relationship will not work. An example would be children — no room for compromise here, you either have kids or you do not. It's a deal breaker.
Needs — Needs are close to requirements in importance, but they are negotiable. If a need is not met, it will cause an issue in the relationship, but will not necessarily cause the end of the relationship. For example, someone who needs a lot of time to himself or herself is something that can be negotiated and worked out.
Wants — This is the gravy, the icing on the cake, to mix the food metaphors here. You don't have to have it, but it would be nice. I would like someone I am with to like jazz music, but it is not a "have to," for example.
When you go out into the dating world with clarity about your requirements, needs and wants, and pay attention, you can accomplish two important things:
1) Protect yourself from getting into a relationships that cannot work long term, because you will be eliminating from the outset those that do not line up with your requirements, needs and wants, and...
2) Dramatically increase the chances of finding the person that does line up with your relationship map, and enjoy a sustainable long-term relationship.
In the world of relationships, you are not going to be able to avoid the ups and downs. When you know what you want and how to get it however, you greatly reduce the risk of heartbreak and increase the chances of getting the relationship you want.
Visit www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for more tips and tools for your relationships.
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Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist. E-mail him at
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