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Hilton oughta watch herself on TV in jail |
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Written by David Bianculli, MCT
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Tuesday, 05 June 2007 |
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 While serving her 23-day prison sentence in the slammer, Paris Hilton gets one hour a day to shower, make phone calls and watch TV.
I suggest she limit her cleaning and talking time to 30 minutes, so she can spend a half-hour every day watching herself on TV.
It may help her understand why people applauded when Sarah Silverman, host of MTV's Movie Awards, announced, "In a couple of days, Paris Hilton is going to jail."
They didn't just applaud, in fact. The audience at that awards show - the sort of trend-setting, trend-following, self-absorbed young people who should be Paris Hilton's biggest support group - howled with approval and applauded the news for 13 full seconds.
During the "going to jail" applause, MTV cut to a reaction shot of Paris Hilton, who was in the audience and looked understandably hurt.
Before the night was out, she had reported to prison early.
"Maybe it will make people less mean to me," Hilton told Barbara Walters of her trip to prison.
Why, Paris? Why is everyone so cruel? Probably because they've seen more of you on TV than you have.
Instead of flitting from red carpet to red carpet, and guest shot to guest shot, you should sit still enough to watch some of your own TV shows, and see the impression you make.
Now you have the opportunity, and prison might indeed be a rehabilitative experience if you take advantage of it.
Start with the recent season premiere of your "The Simple Life Goes to Camp" series on E! You know, the one where you and reunited best friend Nicole Richie administered high colonics to overweight campers, laughing at their vulnerability and bodies as you took pictures of their blurred-for-TV behinds. Like most of your pampered and cruel antics on "The Simple Life," it showed you to be shallow, stuckup and cruel.
No wonder people are cheering your incarceration.
For further appropriate TV punishment, Paris, watch your guest appearances on other reality series: "America's Next Top Model" with Tyra Banks, "The Girls Next Door" with Hugh Hefner, "Meet the Barkers" with Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler, and even "I Want to Be a Hilton" with your own mother, Kathy.
Ask yourself: Is this someone to envy and like, or to ridicule and loathe?
With more than three weeks in solitary, you'd even have time to watch your relatively rare acting appearances. You know: those one-episode guest spots on "Las Vegas," "Veronica Mars," "George Lopez" and "The O.C.," playing thinly veiled versions of yourself - and poorly.
Your best career credit on TV is as Barbara Eden on "American Dreams," and your wig and makeup did most of the acting.
Watching all of this is a punishment, no question. But it's punishment that fits your snooty, snippy celebrity crimes - crimes that a little reflection may help you understand during your simple life in solitary.
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David Bianculli:
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