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The Single Life - The Single Life |
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Written by Leah Keintz
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Thursday, 14 June 2007 |
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Page 2 of 2
LEARNING TO BE ALONE
During two-year dating sabbatical, woman travels, gets fit, connects with family
By Leah Kientz
For NEXTnc
 Love is like heaven, but it hurts like hell.
While many people experience this emotional tug-of-war, Michelle Wellman has found a way to keep her feet on the ground.
“I had this pattern of attracting a certain type of person,” said the 35-year-old co-director for the Center for Advising of Student Achievement at Colorado State University. “It takes two to tango, though, and I am responsible for who I’m attracting. I stopped dating for two years to try and break the cycle and change this pattern.”
Wellman decided to take a breather from dating to find out exactly what she desired from a relationship.
“It began after a series of horrendous dates, and I realized I just needed to take a step back.”
This two-year hiatus gave Wellman the ability to focus on herself, but the experience came with struggles.
“You have to be prepared to see what you don’t want to see,” Wellman said. “It’s fun to bask in yourself, but don’t romanticize being alone.”
The first few months of this journey were probably the worst.
“You are breaking the old habits and trying to catch yourself in old behavior, and you go through relationship withdrawal,” Wellman said. “Then after month six you think, ‘Sweet, I can do whatever I want.’ ”
With the picturesque scenery in northern Colorado, this is also a difficult place to call home if you are alone. From Wellman’s point of view, most people here are either married, in a relationship or looking for one.
“It’s what I call ‘we-itis.’ Everyone here is in happy coupleland,” Wellman said. “This is just a great place to settle down, so you don’t meet a lot of single people who aren’t looking.”
Wellman took time out for herself and began to spend more time with family and friends.
“I realized the relationship with my parents wasn’t the quality I wanted it to be,” Wellman said. “I took the extra time and energy I had and put it into my parents. I moved from being a child to a friend, and they also saw the benefits of this decision. It gave me validation for what I was doing.”
Along with spending time with her parents, Wellman began to focus on her health by getting a personal trainer. She worked with a holistic trainer for about 12 weeks learning about physical fitness, nutrition and meditation.
“I put a lot of energy into my physical health, which gave me more energy,” said Wellman.
Wellman also focused much of her energy on her emotional health. Spending vacation time traveling to Chicago, New York, London and France, she learned to be alone in any environment.
“I love traveling alone, and it was really good for me to put myself into cities where I didn’t know anyone,” said Wellman.
While traveling, Wellman realized in every culture people make assumptions that when you are alone you are lonely, but the two ideas are different from one another.
“You certainly go through lonely periods, but because I clearly defined what I was doing, it made it easier to realize that this was just a couple of days of feeling lonely,” said Wellman. “I wanted to be comfortable with just being alone.”
Wellman never set a specific time period for her “single” adventure. But near the end of the two years, she noticed the voice in her head — the one telling her she wasn’t ready to get back in the game — had quieted to a whisper.
“I got to a point where my relationship with my mom and dad was where I wanted it to be, and I achieved the quality of health I was going for,” said Wellman. “I felt I made some sort of a change.”
Through this long journey, Wellman discovered more about herself and began to understand what qualities she wants in a partner.
“Taking time allowed me to understand what I have to offer in a relationship,” said Wellman. “I found my own self worth and now I am much more selective.”
At the end of this two year break, Wellman re-entered the dating world a little more confident and comfortable with herself. Now, she tries to establish a strong friendship before a relationship, and so far her experience has been nothing but amazing.
“The quality of relationships I have now compared to before might sound ideal, but if you genuinely care for the well being of one another and the romance ends, the friendship is always there,” said Wellman. “It also fundamentally changed the way I view romantic relationships. I view it on a lateral scale where there’s equity in all areas.”
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