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Change yourself if workplace causes tension |
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Written by Judi Light Hopson, Emma H. Hopson R.N. and Ted Hagen, Ph.D., MCT
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Monday, 18 June 2007 |
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Are you angry with your boss? Do you mistrust some of your co-workers?
Problems at work can make your life miserable. You can't relax on your off days or during down time if out-of-control situations constantly push your buttons.
Knowing how to fix tense work relationships means learning how to take charge of relationship chemistry between yourself and another person.
By changing yourself, you can almost force other people to change.
You can persuade them to relate to you in a calmer and less stressed way.
Consider a woman we'll call Janice, a fashion company executive. Janice says she's learned to read other people's thoughts and motives by watching body language and monitoring their speech patterns.
"Listen to what people say and how they say it," says Janice. "The biggest clue to someone's real personality is how they treat other people. They may treat you well but routinely hurt others."
Some people do have serious emotional problems, Janice concedes. "Doing a certain song and dance won't work with them," says Janice. "But, in most cases, you can learn to do a little acting and bring out the best in other people."
Janice says she relates to people according to their needs, not her own. This way, she insists, she can really push their buttons. She can manage situations and get her own agenda met more easily.
Here is some of her advice:
•Do stroke egos. All of us need compliments to feel good about ourselves. If you compliment everyone just a little, this goes a long way. People will trust you if you can see their good points.
•Realize that everyone has been hurt. All of us, without exception, have dealt with abusive people or hurtful manipulators. Speak to everyone in a kind tone of voice. Again, people will trust you if you are sensitive overall.
•Ask co-workers what they need. It's easier to become a true leader at work if other people think you're looking out for them. Standing guard over the feelings and needs of others will help them stay open to your ideas.
Janice believes that tension builds when someone doesn't think you're honoring their feelings. "You can lower tension between yourself and another person by complimenting them, speaking kindly to them, and asking what they need," she summarizes.
Nothing works every time, however. We will all encounter truly mentally ill co-workers from time to time. Kindness and compliments will not alter their thinking or actions. In fact, truly sick people can use your kindness against you.
If you're dealing with such a person, do the following:
• Talk with at least one person in Human Resources. For example, if you believe someone is behaving strangely or unethically, alert someone in HR that your co-worker has "serious issues" going on. This way, you'll have your concerns on the record if a major argument arises.
• Put success above drama. Sure, you'd like to drag some big-mouth through the mud, but don't. People who often get promoted don't have high drama going on all the time. No matter what happens, try to avoid too much clashing with a weird co-worker.
• Have a healthy life outside of work. Any of us will overload our work relationships if we don't have important relationships outside of work. A circle of friends will take off the strain. We can over-focus on crazy co-workers if we don't have that circle in place.
"There is the way the world works, and there is the way we all wished it worked," says an attorney we'll call Chris. "Tension at work leads to all sorts of craziness and lawsuits filed."
Chris goes on to say that co-workers and bosses alike will often "cover" for a mentally ill co-worker. "People who are extremely neurotic or even psychotic are often defended at meetings," says Chris.
"While it's good to stand up for someone, helping to hide a truly troubled person can overturn a workplace," he continues, "Very problematic people need to be fired. It's not fair to allow troubled people to hurt other workers."
Supervisors need to protect the emotional well being of all workers in today's workplace. Good programs for work/life issues and wellness programs are ideal.
Furnishing self-help videos, books, and counseling programs can help as well.
Realistically, all working adults have dozens of stressful issues they are bringing to work. Who isn't dealing with family problems, time and money issues, and health problems in some form or fashion?
"I believe that top management can have a great effect on workers," says a supervisor we'll call Ed. "My workplace was so full of tension, we had three major physical fights break out in two weeks."
Ed says he has since developed an open door policy for his workers to talk about stress. Ed believes workers will act out unresolved issues on each other.
"I encourage my workers to come into my office on Wednesday afternoons to tell me what they need," he reveals. "Some say they need help in scheduling activities when they have three small children at home. Or, some, for example, say they need help in dealing with work and an aging parent who lives with them."
Ed made it safe for others to open up about their problems by talking about his own stress first.
"I got up in a company meeting and told everyone that a self-help book on coping with divorce had saved my sanity 10 years ago," Ed says.
"I told my employees that I would like to help them find information to help solve their problems. If my employees need something, I can go online and find tips and strategies for them. Good advice is out there if you look for it."
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Judi Hopson and Emma Hopson are authors of a stress management book for paramedics, firefighters and police, "Burnout To Balance: EMS Stress." Ted Hagen is a family psychologist. Write to them in care of McClatchy-Tribune News Service, 700 12th Street NW, Suite 1000, Washington D.C. 20005; please enclose a copy of the column and the name of the newspaper you saw it in. You can also contact the authors through the Web site www.hopsonglobal.com. | Only registered users can write comments.
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