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Committing relationship treason |
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Written by Jeff Herring, MCT
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Tuesday, 02 October 2007 |
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We hear about it all the time — in magazines, on TV and among our friends:
Someone else has had an affair and a marriage is falling apart.
Our popular culture teaches that an affair is just something that happens in relationships, it's really not such a big deal. We hear it all the time coming out of the popular media culture. Mr. Star and Miss Star get together and everything is wonderful. They have a few kids. Then Mr. of Miss Star find another star to hang out with and has an affair. One marriage ends and another one starts.
Have you ever noticed that this process is treated with as much serious as trading in one car for another.
You may have noticed by now that I have a pretty strong opinion about these things. No I have not been through it myself. It's just that for years as a relationship coach I've helped my clients to pick up the pieces and deal with the damage done by affairs.
Hearts are broken, homes are split, people are hurt.
When we hear about this so often, we can become a little calloused to what it really means. We're numb to the reality of promises broken, marriages crashing, kids being crushed and families coming apart.
I believe that the term "affair" contributes to the blase attitude we sometimes take. Affair sounds like an event to enjoy, as in "the party was a grand affair." Straying outside your marriage is not an affair. It's adultery. It's really marital treason.
Few people wake up one morning and decide it's the day they are going to have an affair. These things usually start gradually and then spin out of control.
Many times marriages end over an affair. The person having the affair will often believe that they have finally found the right person for them, someone who really understands them like their spouse never did or could.
Here is a statistic that is like a cold splash of water to the face — roughly 80% of marriages that begin as an affair end in divorce.
The good news in all of this is that couples can recover from an affair. For this discussion, we are talking about a one-time affair, not the kind of relationship where people are constantly having affairs.
Since adultery is all about breaking trust, recovery is all about rebuilding trust. While rebuilding trust is possible, it can take a long time, and can require a great amount of work.
The good news is that it can be worth it, when you build a stronger relationship than you had before.
Usually an affair is a symptom of problems in the marriage. When those problems are taken seriously and dealt with appropriately, couples can come out of this gauntlet closer than they were before and more strongly protected against another affair.
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For more tips and tools on affair recovery and prevention you can check out www.YourEmotionalAffair.com
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Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist. E-mail him at
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