Because perennial reality TV judges Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell are sequestered until "American Idol" returns in January, asap's DERRIK J. LANG turned the table — or should we say bench? — to review the gavel pounders on "America's Next Top Model," "Dancing with the Stars," "Top Chef" and "Celebrity Duets." Don't agree with our criticism? Tell it to the judge, baby.

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The CW's "America's Next Top Model"

Judges: Tyra Banks, J. Alexander, Nigel Barker and Twiggy.

Duty: To discover "America's Next Top Model" — or at least "America's Next CoverGirl."

Chambers: The fashion-forward foursome convene in an ominous yet glamorous judging parlor outfitted with a catwalk and plasma screen. This cycle's chamber is more sci-fi than high fashion. While it must exist on a soundstage somewhere, viewers are never told the location, usually just shown a dark cityscape.

Deliberation: Back in the Janice Dickinson days, the appraisals were downright confrontational. Now, Banks dominates the fashionistas, only allowing catty runway expert Alexander to spout a salacious metaphor about a model's appearance or Barker to commend a model's "sex appeal" every so often.

Verdict: Guilty of being too blah compared to previous cycles.

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Fox's "Celebrity Duets"

Judges: Marie Osmond, Little Richard and David Foster.

Duty: To crown a singing "celebrity" winner after enduring duets with famous vocalist.

Chambers: If it wasn't for the lack of Coca-Cola, you might mistake this performance-driven train wreck for "American Idol." The judges/musical legends -- and David Foster — are perched in swivel chairs in the orchestra section to critique the celebrity vocalists. Little Richard is in the center (of attention).

Deliberation: Foster plays both the Simon and Randy roles, skewering bad performers and offering to "work with" good performers. Osmond and Richard are the Paula. She's sweet. He's crazy — and the only watchable part of the show, which crowned Alfonso Ribeiro (Carlton from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air") as the winner.

Verdict: Little Richard is guilty by insanity. The others are acquitted.

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ABC's "Dancing with the Stars"

Judges: Carrie Ann Inaba, Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli.

Duty: To score amateur "celebrity" ballroom dancers — along with the at-home audience.

Chambers: Much like "American Idol" and "Celebrity Duets," these adjudicators have front row seats behind a highly unnecessary desk. However, they watch from a raised platform while the stars and their professional partners dance below, often utilizing the desk as a prop.

Deliberation: After every dance, each judge offers a brief evaluation before the contestants are banished backstage. Then, via ESPN-style split-screens, they reveal scores — 10 being best, 1 being worst — on small paddles. That catchy da-dum sound between each score's reveal gets a 10. The glittery paddles? Six.

Verdict: No contest. With their combined sass, the "Dancing" judges are some of the best in reality TV.

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Bravo's "Top Chef"

Judges: Tom Colicchio, Gail Simmons and Padma Lakshmi.

Duty: To select America's next "Top Chef."

Chambers: The arbiters of good taste appraise the contestants' food at the dimly lit "judge's table" inside the "Top Chef" kitchen. The foreboding environment appears highly uncomfortable, leading one to wonder how anything could possible taste good when served in darkness.

Deliberation: Much like her predecessor, Katie Lee Joel, Lakshmi does more cue card reading than evaluating. The job of judgment falls mostly on Food & Wine editor Simmons, chef Colicchio and a guest judge's plates. Their oft scathing critiques are so highly edited, it's difficult to actually tell what they think.

Verdict: Innocent. Anyone who has to endure that many courses can't possibly be found guilty.

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asap reporter Derrik J. Lang still misses Janice Dickinson.

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