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Written by asap
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Thursday, 01 June 2006 |
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 Scenes from “The Break-Up” were playing out in Julie Bell and Donna Brown’s households on the regular. Just like in the Jennifer Aniston movie, which opens Friday, getting their better halves to help out around the house had become a tedious chore.
To Brown and Bell, the man was the problem.
He should have wanted to do the dishes. He should have been able to read her mind and know that she wanted him to vacuum the living room. He should be grateful that she bought him 20 pairs of socks without him asking. (To their credit, they realize they share some of the blame.)
 But at their wits’ end, Bell and Brown, who both work for United Airlines, kicked their husbands out of the house and told them they had to fulfill a checklist of requirements if they wanted a second chance.
The results were amazing, say the women who have since reunited with their husbands.
Their new book, “The Scorecard: How to Fix Your Man in One Year or Less,” presents a plan to help women determine what they want from their man and how to get it, whether it’s romance, regular oil changes, or help with the laundry.
Of course, there’s no such thing as the perfect man (or woman, naturally), and everyone has to cope with his or her spouse’s flaws. But this book can serve as a warning to women -- don’t choose a man who needs too much fixing. (Of course, if you’re a man in a relationship, feel free to reverse the pronouns.)
asap: Did you marry these men thinking you were going to change them? Or were the signs just not there?
Bell: I didn’t marry my husband thinking about 401Ks. I really married him because we had chemistry. I thought he was great. He was romantic and charming. That has nothing to do with how is he going to handle the finances, what kind of father is he going to be. It’s like buying a house. It’s very infrequent that you get the perfect house. You focus on the things that are most important. The reality is you need to constantly reflect on what it is that you need and want. Most of us get married and our needs change dramatically.
asap: So finances weren’t important? It was about the tingly feelings?
Bell: I never talked about how often do you check your credit report; do you mail your bills in on time. You just assume those things come along with people you have chemistry with. The reality is to make a marriage decision based on chemistry is kinda crazy.
Brown: I did do a little bit more planning after the chemistry put us together. But needs and wants shift over time. So the conversation you have at 24 and you’re getting engaged when your life is far less complex and you’re starting out with careers, those are going to be different than when you’re in your 30s.
Bell: I don’t think that either one of us, or many of the women I talked to, actually does a good job of objectively defining what their needs are. You have this vague sense of being happy and what a relationship should look like. We tend to fear we are going to kill the romance of our relationship if we try to manage it too strongly.
asap: Do you think a lot of women face these issues? I mean this is the 21st century. Women work outside the home. Men are expected to help out.
Brown: You do find those super husbands, who do get it and are naturally inclined to be that partner in every sense of the word. We have done an informal survey, and there’s an expectation especially among working women that there is a complete partnership. What we found is men have “come along,” but they are still not contributing as much to the household as the outside working experience.
asap: What is the strategy in your book?
Bell: We are asking people to sit back and go through the steps of what it is they want or need out of a relationship, not just everything that’s going wrong. Then we want them to do a gap analysis, what is it that you’re getting and what you are not getting. Then execute your plan. Once you’ve done that, you have to measure it because things sometimes fall back apart. We are essentially teaching people the business process in an easy to use way so they can take that into their home lives and be more objective about how to fix things.
THE ISSUES
ISSUE: Fiscal Responsibility
COMPLAINT: He never balances a checkbook. He pays the bills late. He spends money without telling you, so your shared account goes into overdraft. He keeps using non-bank ATMs and those $2 extra fees are driving you crazy. You want him to stop getting Starbucks every day and save for your engagement ring.
IN THEIR WORDS: “The way we personally manage money is not the same as our spouses,” says Brown. “We realized you can’t impose your way of doing things on anyone else. Oftentimes, the biggest arguments come down to a matter of preference.”
SOLUTIONS: Brown and her husband got separate bank accounts and divided the bills up. “I get to do things my way,” she says. “He gets to do things his way, and the bills get paid.” She says if you insist on a shared account, create a way to manage the account even when you don’t know everything your spouse is spending. Bell also recommends a goal-setting discussion, to make sure you and your significant other are on the same page in terms of saving for retirement, the kids’ college education, etc.
ISSUE: Communication
COMPLAINT: He doesn’t articulate his feelings. He doesn’t show an interest in your life. He’s not listening to you. You’re tired of nagging him about every little thing.
IN THEIR WORDS: “I found I wasn’t communicating effectively with my husband no matter how hard I tried,” says Brown. “Oftentimes I was looking at my husband, ’Here I need you to do this for me.’ I expected him to drop what he was doing and focus on my priorities.”
SOLUTIONS: Make sure your message is clear and honest and that you deliver it at a time when he is most willing to listen and be receptive, says Bell. In other words, don’t nag him as soon as he comes home from a stressful day at work. Also, don’t expect him to read your mind. Otherwise, you’re setting him up to fail. “Always keep in my mind who it is you are talking to,” says Bell. “Make sure you are treating your husband better than you are treating your co workers.”
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