Generally, I'm not easily offended. Especially by microwave ovens.

Yet my shiny new stainless steel, 900-watt beauty has managed to both insult my intelligence and offend me. And more profoundly than any appliance to date.

First, a confession. Though I despise disposable consumerism, I recently decided it had come time to part ways with the microwave that came with my wife when we moved in together nine years ago.

It's shallow of me. Even wasteful. But it has become some splattered with nuked bits of pizza and potato and chili and the odd spill of overboiled oatmeal, I just couldn't bring myself to clean it.

Plus, it didn't match out otherwise stainless kitchen. So I got a new one. For just $59, it matches and is clean.

For reasons I'll never understand, my wife insisted on reading the manual. I learned many things, some offensive, some just plain stupid.

• It opens with boldface advice for avoiding "POSSIBLE EXPOSURE TO EXCESSIVE MICROWAVE ENERGY," including not running the oven with the door open. It never defines excessive. And call me paranoid, but I was sort of hoping to avoid ANY microwaves while making my popcorn.
  
• Eggs should never be cooked inside the shell. Apparently they explode.
  
• The 12-year-old boy in me immediately wanted to test this. But then I'd be shelling out another $59.
  
• "If materials inside the oven should ignite, keep oven door closed, turn oven off, and disconnect the power cord, or shut power off at fuse or circuit breaker panel." Um... That's fine. But should I also put out the fire?
  
• "Wipe the oven interior with a soft damp cloth after each use."
  
• Granted, this simple step would have saved me $59. But get real. Have these people ever seen an office microwave?
  
• "Avoid inserting nails, wire, etc. through any holes in the unit during operation."
  
• I'd like to meet the inbred moron whose personal injury lawsuit prompted that one.
  
• "Do NOT attempt to deep fat fry in your oven."
  
• I'm guessing this refers to the brother/cousin of the nails and wire guy.
  
• And who would have expected sexism in a microwave manual? "Hot hors d'oeuvres and appetizers can be prepared very quickly in the oven by the hostess, or individual servings may be prepared by guests."

• Ignore the dinner party faux pas of making your guests nuke their own scallops in bacon. What's with this "hostess" stuff? Sure, Ward... I'll do that right after I finish dusting in my pearls and heels.
  
• In the baking section: "If insufficient browning disturbs you, frost, glaze or add food coloring to white or yellow batters."
  
• Disturb is an awfully strong word. If insufficient browning reaches that level with you, no amount of glaze, frosting or food coloring is likely to solve your problems.
  

• "If you vigorously rub your hands together, you will feel heat produced by friction."
  
• I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to take away from that. Perhaps that if we lose power, I should rub my potato vigorously between my hands.

___

Next week, asap columnist J.M. Hirsch reports from a slow-food convention. Contact him at This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it

Only registered users can write comments.
Please login or register.