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Quarter-life crisis or just Tough Choices - Quarter-life crisis or just Touch Choices |
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Written by Erin Frustaci and McClatchy Tribune
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Thursday, 16 November 2006 |
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Page 4 of 5
Not all young couples are in a rush to get married
McClatchy-Tribune
 She has a master’s degree in education and a head full of ambition.
By day, she’s a teacher. By night, she writes dramatic movie scripts. Her name is Thais Council, and at 26, she knows where she is going in the next several years — and it isn’t down the aisle.
Council and other 20-somethings say the reason for this delay is simple: marriage isn’t the first step to adulthood, it’s one of the last. Finishing school, getting a job, and achieving financial and emotional independence are now the prerequisites that are taking longer to achieve because of the soaring cost of living, the tendency to cling to parents and fears of divorce.
In 1970, only 15 percent of Americans 25 to 29 were unmarried. Now nearly half are, according to 2005 census numbers.
For many, a popular baby-step is living together.
Between 1990 and 2004, the number of opposite-sex cohabitating couples almost doubled in the United States, census data show. Compared to 1970 estimates, the that’s up 1,200 percent.
About a quarter of all unmarried women 25 to 39 are living with a partner and another quarter have in the past, according to a 2005 report by the National Marriage Project.
But there are pitfalls, said David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. While most young people assume living together decreases the chance of divorce, Popenoe said that’s not the case.
“It’s difficult to break up when you’ve been cohabitating a long time. They slide into marriage,” he said. “It’s the inertia effect.”
Popenoe also warns that young people’s overwhelming belief in a “soul mate” can complicate things because real relationships are messy.
“The problem is, you find out that this person isn’t so perfect,” he said, “so it’s easy to break up and say, 'Well, now I have to go look for my real soul mate.’”
Many young singles aren’t even looking for love. A recent study by the Pew Research Center found that more than one-third of American singles 18 to 29 say they aren’t looking for a romantic partner.
Delaying marriage has its benefits, too, research shows. The National Marriage Project at Rutgers University reports that, while divorce rates hover near 50 percent for all Americans, couples cut that in half by waiting to marry after 25.
Waiting also makes some financial sense. A 2004 study by the RAND Corp., a California-based research nonprofit, showed that women who delayed marriage increased their wages by an extra 4 percent a year for every year they remained single. The reason, the report said, was they were able to switch jobs easily, speeding promotion.
Census statistics suggest that young adults living in states where there is a high cost of living and a competitive career market often wait longer to marry. Statistics also show that today’s young adults are making less, when adjusted for inflation, than people their age did 30 years ago.
It’s not just a matter of money. It’s also about maturity.
David Wallace, director of counseling at Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton, said many of today’s 20-somethings are not ready for marriage because they are deeply involved in another relationship — with their parents. His generation, he recalls, rebelled against authority. This generation is best friends with Mom or Dad.
“There is a new electronic umbilical cord, and it’s called the cell phone. They are calling their parents eight, 10 times a day,” he said.
Some children are particularly close with a parent if they have lived with them through a divorce. Not surprisingly, these young adults are cautious when it comes to their own romances and taking a vow that can lead to heartbreak, said Nick Wolfinger, an associate professor at the University of Utah and author of “Understanding the Divorce Cycle.”
The nation’s divorce rates hit an all time high in 1981 — about the time many of today’s 20-somethings were babies. Overall, Wolfinger said, children of divorce are not only more likely to delay marriage, but they are a third more likely to never marry.
“They view marriage less favorably because they see where it got their parents,” he said.
And there lies the great dilemma for young adults: so many choices.
On one hand, today’s 20-somethings see having more time to establish themselves and find the right mate as a positive thing that will make them stronger individuals and stronger marriage partners in the long run. On the other, in the absence of set rules on when to marry, and fluctuating norms on relationships, some admit confusion while trying to navigate this period of their lives.
Some young adults have responded to this anything-goes culture by reverting to more traditional values. Joshua Kolkana is only 25, but has already been married for three years. He and his wife are both Christians who waited to have sex until they were married.
“There is a peace that comes from knowing, 'Yes, this is what the Lord intends for us,’” said Kolkana, a high school pastor. “Our society’s whole mentality has become that we are our own gods, so 'I’m going to do whatever brings me the greatest pleasure.’ For us, it was more an act of obedience than, 'Is this the wisest thing?’”
Council, the 25-year-old teacher who is busy building her career, stresses that she would love to get married some day. But for now, she’s happy to just date and is convinced she and her generation will benefit from the extra time to find Mr. or Miss Right.
“My grandmother was unhappy in her marriage but she stayed for the family. My mother had problems and she divorced. Today, it’s not only about who you love or who can support you,” she said. “It’s both.”
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