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Replace Star Jones Reynolds, NOW! |
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Written by asap
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Saturday, 08 July 2006 |
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It was a simple Tuesday, a plain June 27 in 2006. Yet it is a day forever sullied as star-crossed.
It is the day that Star Jones Reynolds announced her exit from “The View.”
If we judge the fitness of our own environments by the state of that matron murmur fest’s fragile ecosystem (and we do!) it is clear that the maelstrom swirling about the ladies of “The View” infects us all. “The View” must be made whole again! We decry the recent pussyfooting around by Barbara & Co. as they test-drive a bunch of Star wannabes. Brandy? Susan Lucci? Kelly Monaco? Mere twinkles in the atmosphere.
Let’s be decisive and tap a replacement, pronto. Need help, ABC? Thought you’d never ask. Here’s a list of foolproof “View” candidates. Each is a solid contender. Just pick one already.
COURTNEY LOVE: A mother. A lover. A fighter. And an expert on rehab facilities on both coasts.
TOOTIE FROM “THE FACTS OF LIFE”: She handled Blair with aplomb. She brought out the best in Jo. She stayed true to Natalie. And she was always Mrs. Garrett’s little girl. Tootie can go womano-a-womano with Rosie, no problem. And for special occasions, she can do “The View” on skates!
MARGARET THATCHER: It’s about time “The View” went a little international and a little political. This former British Prime Minister (nickname: Iron Lady) fought the commies abroad and the trade unions at home and survived a bombing by the Irish Republican Army. Think you can take her, Walters?
CHOCOLATE: Sweet, sweet chocolate. Ladies love chocolate! A chair full of chocolate, every day! The audience gets to eat the melting pile of rich, chocolatey goodness at the end of each show. With their bare hands!
NORMAN MAILER: This tough-guy novelist has bagged a Pulitzer Prize AND stabbed one of his six wives with a penknife at a party (she lived). In 1971, Mailer famously debated a tableful of famous feminists in a true battle of the sexes and came out alive, albeit looking slightly dazed. If he can take on Germaine Greer, Elisabeth Hasselbeck is toast.
MARY MAGDALENE: She’s mysterious. She’s devoted. She knows what it’s like to sin. Plus, there’s that nifty “Da Vinci Code” tie-in.
MINNIE MOUSE: Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Minnie has never had her own series and has had to be content to guest star as Mickey’s girl. Which makes her perfect for the shared spotlight of “The View.”
TELLER: No worries about getting a word in edgewise.
THE HITACHI MAGIC WAND HANDHELD MASSAGER: Long a friend to the woman with a back that needs massaging, the Hitachi Magic Wand finally comes out of the bedside table drawer and takes its rightful place at center stage. Look to this player to really get inside the female perspective.
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Caryn Brooks is asap’s arts and entertainment editor.
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