Lose weight! Save thousands of dollars!

No, this is not spam.

This is the new fad diet I've invented, and it's guaranteed to help you lose weight and be worth big, big money. And the best part? It's based on absolutely no research, freeing me up from that pesky proof-in-advertising problem.

Let's face it, everyone knows what they need to do to lose weight. Eat fewer high-calorie foods, eat more low-calorie foods (especially those rich in whole grains and other nutrients) and exercise more.

But these days, knowing what to do is no longer the problem; it's finding the motivation to do it that usually trips us up. Because apparently, the risk of death and heinous diseases that ruin quality of life simply aren't sufficient.

That's why what we really need is a diet that speaks the language of cash money — a motivation that everyone gets. Which is why I'm calling my new diet plan the Crash Cash Diet (trademark pending).

Nothing to buy, and nothing of which to deprive yourself. It's really more of a math equation, and here's how it works:

If you're anything like the typical American, chances are you pound down some 3,900 calories a day, according to Susan Roberts, professor at the USDA Human Nutrition Research Center at Tufts University.

Just for some perspective, that's up from 3,600 in 1995 and 3,500 in 1991 (and that's great news, because with the Crash Cash Diet, the more you eat, the more money you make).

You also probably spend close to about $3,000 on food per year. Actually, you probably spend more than that because that number dates to 2001. But to make the math easy, we'll stick with $3,000.

Breaking that down, it means you spend about $8.25 on food a day, or roughly .002 cents per calorie.

Now let's pretend that instead of eating a gut-busting 3,900 calories, you instead followed the federal dietary guidelines. For men, that would mean about 2,500 calories a day; for women, it's about 2,000.

Aside from losing weight, you would be saving a whole lot of money. And let's face it, that's what really matters.

How much?

Men could roll their newly buff physiques around in a pile of cash — $1,092 a year. Not bad, but this is where it really pays to be a woman. Their lower recommended calorie intake translates into a total savings of $1,456.

Think of all the slim new jeans you could buy with all that money, what I'm calling "fat cash."

So now I just need to figure out a way to market this diet.

Obviously, this calls for a book. I recently saw a one that lists foods by how long it takes to burn them off doing a variety of exercises.

That got me thinking that the perfect vehicle for the Crash Cash Diet is a book that breaks each food down into money. Sure, you can eat that cheesecake — but doing so might eat a few bucks out of your annual fat cash.

You're going to want to get in on this now. Before you know it, your co-workers will be bragging not about how much weight they lost, but how much money they saved.

Only registered users can write comments.
Please login or register.