I’m getting better at recognizing a lost cause. It only took me three weeks this time and I didn’t lose any money. My last fixer upper lasted three years. The one before that, 2 years and $80,000. So, you see why I’m feeling so positive about the future.

I could analyze this whole relationship disability for hours, but that would bore you and depress me, so I’ve broken it down to a number of red flags. They call them red flags, because they’re supposed to trigger an alert to stay away. Healthy people see them immediately and then take appropriate action. People like me get distracted by the bulging biceps and pretty, shiny blue eyes and somehow miss the signal until it’s too late. Below are some of my relationship red flags that I chose to ignore, to my peril.

1) His mailing address is either a hotel or a residential treatment center.

2) He has no checking account.

3) He has no drivers license.

4) He can’t start his car without blowing into a breathalyzer thingy.

5) He disappears for days at a time.

6) His ex-wife is “crazy.”

7) His ex-wife is all he talks about.

8) His ex-wife calls all hours of the day and night.

9) He says “dude” a lot.

10) He develops a large bump on his head from a drunken head-butting contest.

11) He has chronic red eyes and emits an odor of wet skunk.

12) He says the “L” word within the first week.

13) He cries within the first week.

14) He gets carded when buying cigarettes.

15) He gets defensive when you say you like wife beaters, referring to t-shirts.

16) He spends a significant amount of time with his attorney.

17) He forgets his wallet a lot when you go out.

18) All of his friends are from when he was in rehab. OR

19) He has no friends because...

20) he slept with all of their wives or girlfriends.

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